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Breaking Destructive Habits

3 Steps to Breaking Destructive Habits

On this week’s Thursday Throwdown, we’re going to recap our wildly popular show with Nell Daly about a problem many men silently struggle with – online pornography. Nell Daly talked about three simple steps that can not only help those of us who struggle with porn addiction, but with any destructive habit or behavior like overeating, drinking, gambling, and more.

3 Steps to Breaking Destructive Habits

  1. Look at your behavior without shame or guilt. Objectively analyze your behavior. How often are you doing it? Why are you doing it? How do you feel before and after?
  2. Replace the bad habit with something positive. Do you have a McDonald’s addiction? What could you replace bad food with? Are you spending too much time watching online porn? What about replacing that time with a run?
  3. Keep track of your progress.  Ask yourself, how have I done this week? What replacements were successful? Build on those victories.

Did you catch our episodes with Nell Daly? 

Porn – Why We Watch It, When It’s a Problem, and How to Stop with Nell Daly

The Unexpected Secrets of Men, Women, and Sex with Nell Gibbon Daly


Resources

==>NEW!!<== Grab a copy of The Dad’s Edge AUDIOBOOK on iTunes or Audible

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Join our Dad Edge Group on Facebook Request Entry Here

We have new Dad Edge T-Shirts!  Grab one HERE

Download a free chapter from: THE DAD’S EDGE on UNLIMITED PATIENCE HERE

Check out this free resource on: CONNECTION WITH YOUR SPOUSE

Download this free resource on:  CONNECTION WITH YOUR KIDS

Links


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talk about lack of sex

How to Talk About Lack of Sex with Your Spouse

In this week’s Thursday Throwdown, I follow up on Nell Gibbon Daly’s episode and give you the highlights of how to talk about lack of sex with your spouse.

Sex is a big deal in a relationship, but when two people are married for a long time it might rarely happen or even become nonexistent.

Men don’t want to bring up sex issues because they’re afraid it will start a fight. Women don’t say anything because they’re afraid they’ll hurt their partner’s ego, but not talking about it is the worst thing a couple can do.

The number one factor in a healthy sex-life is communication. In order to be able to talk about sex without hurting each other or fighting about it is to:

  1. Set your ego aside. Take your pride out of it and just listen.
  2. Be open to suggestions and solutions.
  3. Talks as friends. Don’t use a man vs. woman approach, but a friend to friend approach.

 

Referenced Episodes:

Level Up Your Life Through Ruthless Self Evaluation

The Unexpected Secrets of Men, Women, and Sex with Nell Gibbon Daly


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RESOURCES

Grab a copy of The Dad’s Edge AUDIOBOOK on iTunes or Audible

GRAB A COPY OF THE DAD’S EDGE HERE

Check out our Dad Edge Group on Facebook Request Entry Here

We have new Dad Edge T-Shirts!  Grab one HERE

Check out a free chapter from: THE DAD’S EDGE on UNLIMITED PATIENCE HERE

Check out this free resource on: CONNECTION WITH YOUR SPOUSE

Check out this free resource on:  CONNECTION WITH YOUR KIDS

Links


 

nell gibbon daly men women and sex

The Unexpected Secrets of Men, Women, and Sex with Nell Gibbon Daly

A healthy sex life is crucial to a happy and harmonious relationship, but sex is one of the most difficult things for men to talk about. Today our second ever female guest, Nell Gibbon Daly, talks with us frankly about sex and how we can make breakthroughs in communication to improve intimacy and experience amazing sex. (EXPLICIT)

Nell Gibbon Daly

Nell Gibbon Daly is a psychotherapist, author, TV commentator, and TEDx speaker. She frequently appears on FOX news and other networks and is reaching 19 million viewers a month. She has sat through 20,000 hours as a psychotherapist and her practice now consists of about 80% male patients. She  enjoys helping men specifically and caters to highly successful executives and artists. Nell is a divorced mother of three who grew up in an Irish immigrant family. Surrounded by alpha male older brothers, she’s been used to navigating through tough guys all her life. Nell considers it a gift to learn how the male psyche works, and wants to act as a translator between men and the women of the world.

Lack of Sex: what’s missing?

Some members of our private The Dad’s Edge Facebook group have shared the fact that they have gone long periods without having any sex with their spouses. This is not as uncommon as you might think, but most of us are reluctant to bring up the lack of sex because we’re afraid to hurt our wife’s feelings or trigger an argument. This lack of communication builds resentment, and resentment leads to the destruction of intimacy and a poor sex life.

Why don’t we communicate?

Men have no idea how to ask for what they want and need. We are afraid of appearing vulnerable, especially to those closest to us. Maybe we want to confide, but we don’t want to seem weak. Instead of venting our stresses and fears, we turn to food, alcohol, or TV to bury the pain. These coping mechanisms block opportunities for intimacy and distance ourselves even further from our partners.

How can we ease the pressure?

Women have no idea how much pressure a man is under because we hide it so well. Our egos can’t handle the thought of people knowing that maybe we’re not on top of everything. Nell Gibbon Daly explains that while women value themselves for beauty, men value themselves by how much money they make. The tremendous financial pressure, especially when there are children to take care of, can be crushing. Men feel ashamed to expose their vulnerability and are afraid to go into the pain. In this modern age, men have lost their community and are isolated. We bury our pain with addiction and sex. We suffer depression and anxiety, and this infiltrates our home life and relationships, all the way to the bedroom.

Nell Gibbon Daly says that if you don’t face the pain, you will never get out of it, and if you don’t feel comfortable talking to a spouse, friend, or family member, you need to find a therapist to help you work through your issues.

What are we doing wrong?

Seeing a woman really into sex is the biggest turn on for a man, and Nell Gibbon Daly says the biggest complaint she hears from men is that their wives don’t seem to be enjoying sex. Believe it or not, your wife’s lack of enthusiasm might have nothing to do with your looks or physical performance. “If you have resentment in marriage, she’s not going to look like she’s into giving a blowjob.”

Nell also reveals that during all her hours listening to women’s stories, their most common complaint was that their men were too controlling. Women need to be relaxed to enjoy sex, and your wife cannot relax if you’re uptight.

She further warns men not to assume that the way you’re touching her feels good. Your partner may be lying because she doesn’t want to hurt you. But protecting each other’s egos prevents husbands and wives from getting to the truth and couples are not having great sex because they’re not talking about it.

How do we approach our partners about sex?

Couples will have sex in a certain way for years. Both might find it routine and unsatisfying, but will endure for a lifetime rather than risk hurting the other’s feelings. How can we approach our partner if we want something different? How do we explore each other’s fantasies? Here are a few tips from Nell Gibbon Daly.

  • Create a space where your partner feels safe to talk – Make sure you’re alone. Send the kids to their grandparents. Find an environment to inspire open communication, like the freedom of the outdoors.
  • Build up intimacy beforehand – spend quality time with your spouse to create a sense of closeness and safety before bringing up a difficult subject.
  • Let go of your ego – don’t be afraid to let your guard down. Making yourself vulnerable gives your partner power to do the same.
  • Don’t underestimate your partner’s ability to expand – Will she see me as a failure? Will she think I’m perverted? Will she judge me? These are thoughts that prevent us from sharing our fears, desires, and fantasies with our wives, but how will you know how she will feel about it unless you tell her?

What do we say?

Nell Gibbon Daly says to begin the conversation as best friends – not as man and woman, but as two human beings. Have a more complex conversation, not just focusing on your needs, but hers. For example, “Is there something I’m not doing for you inside and outside the bedroom to make you feel sexier and want to be intimate anymore?”

This level of honesty is not without risk

It’s possible that confronting issues that have been so long buried will be the demise of your relationship. Once you say it out loud, you can’t take it back, but hiding these things will kill the relationship eventually anyway. Daly says you must break each other down in order to grow and that the “pain can become a place of eroticism.”

In the end, just be authentic

The most incredible men Nell Gibbon Daly has met were the ones who were vulnerable. There’s nothing worse than someone who is boring, and boring people are the ones obsessed with being perfect or looking perfect. You are who you are. Be yourself. “There’s nothing sexier than owning it.”


Resources

==>NEW!!<== Grab a copy of The Dad’s Edge AUDIOBOOK on iTunes or Audible

GRAB A COPY OF THE DAD’S EDGE HERE

Join our Dad Edge Group on Facebook Request Entry Here

We have new Dad Edge T-Shirts!  Grab one HERE

Download a free chapter from: THE DAD’S EDGE on UNLIMITED PATIENCE HERE

Check out this free resource on: CONNECTION WITH YOUR SPOUSE

Download this free resource on:  CONNECTION WITH YOUR KIDS

Links


Nell Gibbon Daly

Nelldaly.com

Facebook

Twitter

Instagram


 

 

sex life

HOW TO IMMEDIATELY SPICE UP YOUR SEX LIFE AS A NEW DAD

This is a guest post by Allon Khakshouri of Business-dad.com

Enjoying a healthy sex life is a key ingredient to a thriving marriage. At the same time it is the one topic very few parents dare talk about, often leading to lots of frustration and anger to already challenged relationships.

 

Sex is so important because it is what makes you and your spouse more than just roommates. It requires you both to speak about the kind of intimate and emotional things that create a deeper sense of connection than you have with anyone else and helps strengthen trust between partners.

 

But lets face it: Becoming a dad triggers so many changes it can feel overwhelming: sleepless nights, endless fights and new responsibilities are just some of the challenges we all face and that can make sex quite unappealing. I remember how relieved I was knowing that my wife would need a few weeks to fully recover before she would request me to demonstrate my love making skills. I was sure that this would allow me to get adjusted to being a dad so that by the time my wife would be ready, I would feel revitalised and hungry for sex.

 

However, something strange happened: The more time that passed without having sex, the less I craved for it. Suddenly I felt concerned and unmanly: Was something wrong with me and our relationship?

I guess I was not the first to have such thoughts

 

According to studies conducted by the Relationship Research Institute in Seattle, two thirds of marriages suffer a serious decline in their relationship satisfaction within the first three years of becoming parents. And the biggest victims of unhappy couples are the babies– two decades of research have shown that marital conflict is bad for babies and can affect their social and academic skills later on in life.

 

As John Gottman says:

 

“When there is a precipitous decline in relationship satisfaction and an increase in hostility, it transfers to the baby and affects the baby.”

 

And definitely the combination of having an unsatisfactory sex life and not speaking openly about it, is a big warning sign that the relationship is in trouble. So if you love your baby and you are committed to improving your relationship, addressing your sex life is a great place to start.

 

But let’s be honest: Feeling uncomfortable about becoming too physical after welcoming your baby is normal and especially common in the first few months after a mom gives birth. Since nobody dares to speak about their lack of sex, both husbands and wives start doubting themselves: Men lose confidence and feel rejected, while their spouses  feel unattractive, unwanted and unsexy. As a result, sex becomes another trigger for more conflicts and disputes, often enhancing arguments that are already evolving from role changes, lifestyle adjustments and even financial tensions.

 

YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY MAN WHO DIDN’T HAVE MUCH SEX LATELY!

 

What most of us don’t realize is that almost every couple struggles with intimacy after having their first baby. There are all sorts of reasons for this:

 

Initially, we need to give our partner time to physically recover. But when we stop hooking up with our partner, testosterone levels drop, which is why many men tend to crave less for sex. Women on the other hand feel touched out by their babies–and let’s face it– they suddenly transform from sexy studs into a supermoms. Add the fact that couples feel tired and exhausted, and it becomes apparent why so many of us experience longer periods of sexual abstinence.

 

Unfortunately, when we stop having sex for longer periods of time, we become lazy. We care less about how we look, ignore seduction attempts by our partner and over time even withdraw from her altogether. This is how so many dads end up feeling isolated and rejected when witnessing their wives spending so much time with their little one.

 

I remember how right after the birth of our son, it was extremely difficult for me to become intimate again. We were both feeling quite irritable and tired so it just didn’t seem right. Luckily I had the courage to speak to other couples about their relationships and realized that we are all in the same boat! Just because we argue more often, feel more exhausted and less sexy, does not mean something is wrong with our marriage. We sometimes forget we have just added a new person into our lives, and that takes some adjustments.

 

And if you haven’t had sex for a while, you are not alone. I met couples who needed weeks, others months and some even years to get back into their normal lovemaking routines. Don’t get me wrong– I am not advocating to accept having a poor sex life. To the contrary, what I am saying is that it is your responsibility to get out of your comfort zone and spice up your marriage, and in a minute I will tell you how. My point is that too many couples give up on their relationship way too quickly, whether they get divorced or simply live together feeling disillusioned and unhappy.

 

WARM UP YOUR RELATIONSHIP IMMEDIATELY

 

Let me tell you what I did when I realized that we needed to prioritize intimacy. Instead of panicking, I decided to work on our relationship and use the birth of our boy as an opportunity to upgrade our relationship, deepen our communication and reviving our sex life.

 

We started by integrating these simple practices into our life so that having regular sex would become much easier:

 

  • 7-8 hours Sleep You may think it is impossible. I did too. However, I made a few adjustments that made all the difference. I now go to sleep by latest 10pm on normal weekdays, and have a nighttime ritual that includes a soothing shower, no TV-and phone time at least an hour before going to sleep, that spending at least 30 minutes of quality time with my wife. These steps have made all the difference because it is hard to jumpstart your libido when you feel tired.

 

  • Speaking Time. As I mentioned above, my wife and I spend some time together before going to sleep. But even just 10 minutes of talking time will give you both have the opportunity to express feelings, needs and desires. Once you both reconnect again emotionally, good sex will follow.

 

  • Becoming More Physical. We have always been quite a physical couple. However, as parents we needed to redefine sex to include more than just penetration. My wife and I now use every opportunity to hug, kiss and cuddle together, and it triggers instant pleasure every time.

 

  • Flirting: This is something we forgot in the first 1-2 weeks after the birth of our son. But it’s amazing how just a few words can make such a difference. I try and surprise my wife every few days with a very thoughtful text message, a hidden note that she may find at a random moment, or by sending her flowers with a handwritten card, and every single time these little surprises make her glow from joy.

 

  • Asking Questions. I wanted to find out how it felt for my wife to be a mom, what her biggest struggles were, what she was dreaming about for the future, and what her deepest desires looked like. She reciprocated by asking me about how this change of becoming a dad felt like. These moments of sharing were extremely bonding,

 

  • Listening. Sometimes women just want to be heard, so I really made an effort to become more patient and try and relive the words that my wife was sharing. By learning to empathize with your partner and all she goes through, you will instantly become her superhero again.

 

RITUALIZE INTIMATE TIME TOGETHER AS SOON AS POSSIBLE

 

Of course, some things will work better for you than others. And it is up to you to fine tune the details. But they will definitely help you rekindle our relationship. I see these actions as a kind of foreplay that needs to be in place before addressing our sex lives.

 

However, if you are serious about spicing up your love life, you need to have regular sex. So how can you do that, now that you are busier than ever with a whole family to take care of?

 

Well, here is the thing. Like with other areas in your life, it all comes down to creating habits that help you live the lifestyle you want. This doesn’t need to be too difficult, but it takes consistency. Like going to the gym, starting a new hobby, or waking up earlier, every beginning or new start is a bit more difficult. However, once we overcome the initial resistance, we start finding joy in our new behavior.

 

In the same way, it is essential to create routines of spending intimate moments together. The trick that really made all the difference to us was scheduling our time together in the same way we schedule anything else. Initially that meant planning the day, time and place that we would spend some quality time together in advance.

 

Yes, I know this sounds premeditated and unromantic.  However, it works wonders, because only by ritualizing time for ourselves, do we build up the kind of stamina that allows us to overcome all the obstacles that can make intimacy so difficult for new parents. Even an hour per week can make all the difference. I remember how my wife and I used to find excuses all the time why not to have sex, until we made sex become an integral part of our lifestyle again that we both crave for.

 

By scheduling your time together, you can address any obstacles that could distract you both from enjoying your time together. For example, you may want to leave your baby with your parents and create the kind of romantic setting that will allow your wife and yourself to switch off from everything else that is going on in your life.

 

HOW TO HAVE AMAZING SEX LIFE

 

So now that you know about the importance to intimate time together, let me share with you 6 tips that will help you regain a vibrant sex life without any further delay:

 

  • Avoid feeling pressurized: During your time together, be romantic and have fun, without experiencing the need to have full-blown sex. Teasing and taunting each other with kisses, massages and anything else that pleases both of you qualifies as intimate time.

 

  • Have date nights together: If you can, add weekly date nights for the two of you to enjoy quality moments together. This is your time alone together, to experience a romantic ambience and to become real lovers again. The quicker you start with this, the easier it will be to revive your sex life.

 

  • Create a romantic atmosphere: Small details like candle lights and clean sheets can make your time together more bonding and fun. Stimulate the senses by using aroma sticks for a pleasant smell, and playing sensual music.

 

  • Be flexible: Scheduling intimate time in advance may sound premeditated. But there is room for some creativity as to when, where and how you both engage with each other. For example, I often feel exhausted in the evenings, my wife and I enjoy planning our time together on weekends that our son is with my parents, so we have time for ourselves in the afternoon. Also be open minded and experiment what gives you both joy and pleasure.

 

  • Be a giver: Focus on making your wife feel desired and attractive, and giving her the kind of joy that will make her want to reciprocate. By treating her like your queen, you will soon become a true king.

 

  • Clear your head: It can be hard to switch off from distractions like thinking about your business, your kids, or anything else that is circulating your mind. However, try to make this your “us time”, and commit to being fully present, playful and open with your partner.  The more you can do this, the better and more fun your sex life will become.

 

You will discover that spending time together in this kind of intimate setting will help you both communicate more openly, share both vulnerabilities and desires and create a deeper more trusting connection between each other. You will find out that this kind of intimacy is the bread and butter for better sex.

 

The best part is that once you have rekindled your sex life, other areas of your relationship will improve as well. You will feel more confident, happy and energized. All of a sudden, being a dad will become the most enjoyable time of your life!

RESOURCES

==>NEW!!<== Grab a copy of The Dad’s Edge AUDIOBOOK on iTunes or Audible

GRAB A COPY OF THE DAD’S EDGE HERE

Join our Dad Edge Group on Facebook Request Entry Here

We have new Dad Edge T-Shirts!  Grab one HERE

Get a free chapter from: THE DAD’S EDGE on UNLIMITED PATIENCE HERE

Check out this free resource on: CONNECTION WITH YOUR SPOUSE

Check out this free resource on:  CONNECTION WITH YOUR KIDS

Links

If you are interested to learn more about how you can become a true Business Dad who combines professional success with becoming a super engaged and loving dad, visit www.business-dad.com

 

3 ways to improve your sex life

3 Ways to Improve Your Sex Life – GDP005

“3 Ways to Improve Your Sex Life” Episode Overview

In this episode, Larry Hagner and Shawn Stevenson talk about some shocking statistics about sex and marriage. Larry and Shawn share 3 ways to improve your sex life. These strategies include: ensuring husbands connect with their wives on an emotional level first; not rushing physical intimacy; and how a reduction in stress can improve sex.

Key Take-Aways – Statistics

Sex is a big part of marriage, especially for men. Most men show and receive their love in a physical manner. In a recent poll of over 50,000 Americans aged 21-50:

  • 60% of married couples are engaging in sex on a “somewhat regular basis” of weekly sex
  • 20% of married couples have sex about 2 times per week (Seems similar to frequency of new couples)
  • 40% of married couples have sex 1 time per week or 1 time every other week (Seems “semi-normal,” according to Shawn)
  • 15% of married couples have sex 1 time per month
  • 10% of married couples have sex 3-4 times per year
  • 15% of married couples have sex 0-1 time per year

 

Problem #1: Not Connecting with Your Partner on an Emotional Level Before a Physical Level

Before having sex, men must communicate with their partner on an emotional level. Check out a related podcast episode, “5 Ideas on How to Connect with Your Spouse”, where Larry and Shawn talk more about communicating and connecting with your partner.

Solution: Connect with your partner on an emotional level first!

Foreplay for a woman starts with her emotions, connectivity, and feelings of being understood and heard. Here are some tips:

1) Ask open-ended questions and not closed questions.

2) Ask questions that ascertain feelings and not just words.

3) Ask what, when, how, and why questions.

4) Don’t ask questions your partner can simply answer with “yes” or “no.” Examples:

  • “Tell me about the best part of your day.”
  • “Why?”
  • “Tell me more about that.”
  • “How did that make you feel?”

5) Observe your partner’s body language. Remember: 93% of all communication is through body language, gestures, and vocal tone. Look for the emotions/feelings she/he is sharing and not just words.

6) For more insight, check out “The 6 Human Needs” by Tony Robbins. These tie into our deepest fear in a relationship: Fear of not being enough, especially for the other person.

Problem #2: Rushing into Physical Intimacy

Most women are like ovens – they need to be preheated. Most men are like microwaves – they simply turn on.

Solution: Connect with your partner on an emotional level first!

Yes, this point so important that it’s being emphasized again. Here are some tips:

1) Engage in physical intimacy (i.e., hug and kiss) without an agenda during the day or week. Freely make these affectionate deposits into the love bank – instead of only hugging and kissing your partner as a precursor to sex that you plan to have in the next minute or so.

2) Remember: Foreplay begins in morning and throughout the day, especially if you plan on having sex that same evening. It can be a hug and kiss or doing something kind and helpful (i.e., helping around the house and with kids).

3) Physical affection can be best if you start with all other areas of her/his body besides the obvious body parts. Examples:

  • Cuddling
  • Massage shoulders, feet, back, etc.

 

Problem #3: Too Much Stress and Too Little Energy

Let’s face it: A big reason that people don’t have sex is that they don’t “feel” like it. This holds true for men, but especially for women.

Solution: Work, along with your partner, to set up things so that there’s less stress and less overexertion of herself/himself each day.

Stress will naturally wear down a person’s battery. Here are some tips:

1) Help with planning with the kids. Example: Pick-ups/Drop-offs for school and activities.

2) Scheduling and execution of household duties. Examples:

  • Larry’s wife handles the lion’s share of household duties, as Larry handles the lion’s share of work outside the house — but Larry has his duties at home, too, and he gets them done (period).
  • Kids have their assignments, enforced by Larry.
  • Larry understands the things that really depress his wife’s mood the most, and he helps in those areas.

3) Find creative ways that you can take things off of your collective plates. It’s just going to free up more energy for each other.  😉

4) Encourage and help your partner exercise on a consistent basis. You can spend some quality time to workout or train together. Exercise has physical benefits, such as increased energy and overall health. Exercise also has emotional benefits, such as feeling better about your body and health in addition to increased confidence.

Free Resources:

Check out a free chapter from: THE DAD’S EDGE on UNLIMITED PATIENCE HERE

Check out this free resource on: CONNECTION WITH YOUR SPOUSE

Check out this free resource on:  CONNECTION WITH YOUR KIDS

Links

Links Mentioned In This Episode

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