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Porn Detox – The Truth Will Set You Free with Ted Shimer

Ted Shimer

Ted Shimer, author of the Freedom Fight, is a 30 year veteran of a National Collegiate Disciplinary Ministry who has helped thousands of young individuals in their pornography addiction. His book The Freedom Fight is also a no-cost internet program that uses the power brain of science to outgrow porn and heal from the addiction.

In the early 2000s, Shimer witnessed firsthand what pornography does to not only married couples, but to young adults as well. After the rise of the iPhone, becoming addicted became an even easier feat amongst millions of individuals. Countless studies have been conducted that state the detrimental effects of pornography in relationships, marriages, and even children. Shimer uses a faith-based approach in talking about the effects of porn and how it draws us further and further away from the truth of God’s word and His will for our lives. In order to deepen our connection with God, we have to repress those sinful behaviors and replace it with healing behaviors such as an accountability partner or connecting with the Word of God.

In our society, men tend to justify porn by stating that it’s not as bad as doing drugs or drinking heavily. However, addiction is addiction no matter how you swing it. The impact of pornography on husbands and fathers has been known to cause divorces two to three times greater than if there was no porn involved. There has to be a point where you admit that you have an addiction, then find the right people and resources to help you outgrow the addiction.

What You’ll Learn: 

Pornography in Young Adults

[7:46]

In 2007, Ted recalls he started learning about the pornography problem in America. After the iPhone came out, the struggle for ministering to young, vulnerable men became a much more difficult challenge.

Accessibility of Pornography

[13:55]

The accessibility of pornography in today’s society is exponential compared to 30 years ago. Smart devices have allowed pornography to become a lot more prevalent. 

How Pornography Impact Families

[15:18]

Deny. Minimize. Rationalize. We can be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin and we need to recognize that. 

[17:18]

Pornography impacts our spiritual commitments. If somebody is using porn, that person is less committed to their spiritual disciplines.

[20:51]

Sociology Professor Samuel Perry conducted a study that found that if either the husband or wife started to watch porn, the couple was two to three times more likely to divorce. It brings less relational connection to your significant other and your kids. 

[24:23]

Shame is a huge part of pornography and it can lead parents to avoid talking about spiritual things with their children because they are ashamed. There is a direct correlation between watching porn and the person’s involvement in their church, as discovered by Dr. Perry. 

The Birth of an Addiction

[28:05]

When a person watches porn, the brain releases a significant amount of dopamine. An addiction is birthed when a person starts using that high to medicate the negative emotions they have. 

How Porn Affects the Intimacy Between a Husband and Wife

[33:33]

The porn industry tries to sell porn to married couples by stating that it adds sizzle to their relationship. However, the problem with porn in marriages is that it may bring a sizzle in the beginning, but it eventually dies out and creates a strain in the marriage. 

Solutions to the Addiction

[41:52]

When you repress one behavior, you have to replace it with another in order to break the addiction. There are six roots to a pornography addiction that have to be addressed if the person wants to achieve freedom.

[43:57]

You need to build a new pathway that is connected to God’s word, an accountability partner, escaping the situation, etc. When you are triggered, you need to move toward God and others. 

[44:58]

You don’t just quit a porn habit. You have to outgrow a porn habit. You have to renew your mind.

[47:08]

Before God’s truth sets us free, it changes us. Because it changes us, the freedom lasts

What Does Detox Look Like?

[49:22]

Detox is asking the question, “What do I need to do to get radical about removing temptation?” It’s not enough to just have behavior modification and take these steps. Our hearts need to grow in our conviction for personal holiness as well. Holiness isn’t a list of rules, but rather pursuing what is God’s best for me. 

Accountability

[53:03]

Recognizing that the first step to healing is confession and coming out of the shadows. Moving from the shadows to the light is where healing begins.

RELATED EPISODES:

Battling Porn and Sexual Addiction with Eddie Capparucci

Porn Addiction and Affair Recovery Mentoring

Porn-Why We Watch It, When It’s a Problem, and How to Stop with Nell Daly


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Ted Shimer (The Freedom Fight) Links

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The Freedom Fight

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The Fundamentals of MANHOOD

Teaching Your Son the Fundamentals of Manhood with Gregory Koufacos

Young men today are less motivated to create extraordinary lives because they aren’t equipped with the skills to turn their dreams into reality. How can we be relatable parents and instill the fundamentals of manhood so our sons can reach their full potential?

In this episode of the Dad Edge Podcast, we talk with Gregory Koufacos. Greg is the founder and CEO of Velocity Mentoring. He is an addiction professional with almost 15 years of experience. He holds a Master’s Degree in Psychology from The New School for Social Research. He is a Licensed Clinical Alcohol and Drug Counselor and a Nationally Certified Recovery Coach.

Gregory is also the author of the book named “Primal Method” which he will discuss along with the issues between a father and a son. We will also talk about relationships, marriages, and the challenging transition of becoming a man in today’s world.

Don’t tolerate a mediocre relationship. Try to make it the relationship of your dreams.

The Primal Method: A Book for Emerging Men

The general public is starting to recognize what parents, teachers and therapists have known for years: we are losing our young men. Now more than ever, emerging men between 16 and 35 find themselves stuck in limbo between adolescence and adulthood. Addictions, anxieties, egos, and overwhelming expectations leave them trapped in childhood, frustrated with their lives, and feeling forced to cope with drugs, porn, and video games. For too many young men, this vital period has gone from a stage of emergence to a state of emergency.

In The Primal Method, addiction counselor and therapist Gregory Koufacos draws from his extensive background with troubled young men to identify what has gone wrong, why traditional therapy often fails, and how emerging men can break their debilitating cycles. Using vivid examples from his professional career and own life, Koufacos demonstrates the use of the walking cure, Miyagi mentoring, emphatic challenge, and other techniques that harness young men’s primal motivation to live a life of power and purpose.

What You’ll Learn

Gregory’s Childhood

[8:28]

Gregory grew up in New Jersey. He is the eldest of the three brothers, and his father immigrated from Greece in his late 20s which is exciting for Gregory. During summers, Greg and his family would go back to Greece. At an early age, he became exposed t two different cultures, specifically the American and Greek Cultures.

[10:36]

Gregory grew up in an era where there were strong male role models in the community. He would seek those men out like a sponge and just soak in all of their wisdom, their power, and confidence.

Respecting his Father

[12:14]

What led Gregory to the respect he had for his father came from the going to journey of himself becoming a father. He always judged his father and what closed the gap n term of his deep respect for his father was when he decided to stop judging him and just focus on himself. He found that the journey is not easy for any of us.

[14:11]

The job that his father had never excited him. It was a means to an end. His father was very good at his career, and he’s a smart man. He’s a mathematician and physician, but it didn’t set his soul on fire.

A Message to Fathers

[15:47]

Greg recommends to fathers to tell their kids who they are and what sets their soul in fire. Let your kids see who you truly are.

Gregory’s Wife and Kids

[22:16]

When Gregory had his daughter, it opened his heart where he didn’t realize that it was closed. He didn’t think that he could love another human being so selflessly. His kids pushed him to provide a great life, and he is very happy about that.

[23:31]

Gregory and his wife had been married for almost 14 years, and it has been a crucible for intense growth for both of them. They both care and love each other deeply, and fortunately, they are working through that. They have managed to the most important thing to stay and keep going in the direction they need to go.

[24:28]

According to Gregory, don’t settle and tolerate a mediocre relationship. Try to make it the relationship of your dreams. That is our vision as men.

The Choices in a failing relationship

[26:09]

According to Gregory, there are 4 choices in a failing marriage or relationship.

  1. Get a divorce
  2. Stay or stick it out and suffer
  3. Choosing that you are one of the lucky ones that have a good marriage
  4. You take it as your own personal duty and mission to breathe the life of love and joy and happiness into your relationship no matter what

Keeping the Relationship at an Optimal Level

[30:18]

The one thing that has worked for Gregory and his wife’s marriage is they give each other to breathe. If their marriage needs oxygen, they will get it. They would go on couple’s retreats, which really helped them where somebody could guide them in that process.

Reaching Out to Young Men

[32:08]

Gregory believes that his commitment to working through the obstacles and difficulties in staying in the course of his marriage helped him reach down to young men a ask them t work through their own battles.

[32:38]

For Gregory, he knows the same frustrations, fears, and delusions that young men are crippled by, which he is also struggling with, but he’s fighting the good fight. Therefore, he can speak to them with authority and wants the young to fight the good fight because it is worth it. It creates a bond between him and the young men he works with.

[33:40]

Gregory is not coming to young men as an expert who solved everything in his life. He believes he is a few steps ahead and may be able to offer something, and they may be able t offer something to him as well. He says that we are all in this together. He tells young men that the only difference between him and young men is that he is higher up the mountain.

[34:33]

According to Gregory, the only difference between himself and the young men he is working with is the degree of difficulty and the stakes. Fortunately, he has the tools to go on the journey he’s on, and they can get it too. They have to acquire the tools to go on the journey

Being a Relatable Parent

[36:13]

Larry says that when you’re human, that makes you relatable. When you’re relatable, you create psychological safety within people to tell you what’s truly on their minds and heart. When something goes wrong in their life, he doesn’t want his kids to be afraid of him, but instead, when something goes wrong, he wants them to know that they can count on him. You are creating a bond and connection where there is no judgement, only guidance.

Rehabilitation Settings

[39:10]

Gregory works in the field of addiction counseling. He has worked for about six or seven years in different rehabilitation settings. According to him, all the rehabilitation settings have one commonality: they provide a lot of structure. Within that structure, he saw individuals who were capable of making miraculous transformations.

[40:59]

Gregory found out that traditional therapy and approaches that he was trained in were not helping young men. He grew frustrated. With the desire for a real transformation, he decided not to meet in his office anymore and instead, go outside and do something. That decision to leave the office knocked a whole pattern into place, and he started doing things intuitively.

Writing his Book

[43:33]

Gregory made a decision to write about it and figure out what it was that he was doing. That journey lasted about four years and culminated in the book, Primal method. He outlined different tools that he has identified commonly in the work he has done with young men.

[44:06]

Gregory wrote the book to appeal and be read by a young man. He wanted the readers of the book to know that he is offering something of value. And that it should be read by fathers and people that are in the lives of young men.

[45:01]

Gregory believes that that the book can be read by a professional, a parent, or a young man. He hopes that it reaches young men.

The Premise of the Book

[46:22]

The book’s premise is that you are missing the boat by talking to a young man. What will reach this young, emerging male is not talking to them. It’s action and connection.

[47:03]

Gregory says that even if your son is listening to you as you’re telling him the ways of the world, it’s not reaching him at the deeper level because he’s not implementing it. He’s not gaining knowledge through experience. It’s just information that makes sense to him. One of the big premises is instead of talking at your kid, get into action and do something with him. Doing that cultivates a sacred bond, which is achieved by two men sharing an experience.

The Bottom Line

[53:44]

The bottom line is to do things with these young men and make it have stakes on both ends. Let them see you striving as a man who is not perfect. Pick something that they’re better than you, or show them what it’s like for a man to enter an arena where he’s uncomfortable and to do his best or something in that creates a very special bond between men.

Gregory’s message to society

[1:03:59]

Gregory’s message to society is to stop pumping young men full of lies. Stop telling young men that this is how life works. He wants society to stop lying to them and just tell the truth about life, about themselves to the best of your ability. For him, that’s what he wants. He doesn’t care about how he wants life to be. He wants to know how life is.

Gregory’s Final Advice

[1:07:45]

Gregory advises to not pick something that puts you on an elevated status. Pick something where the two of you are equal. Let your son see how you go through life when you’re not the expert. We’re not experts. We’re all men on the journey of life. And life is way bigger than all of us. Humble yourself, and show your son how you go through the process of becoming a man.

Gregory Koufacos’s Links

https://www.eternalprinciples.com/

LinkedIn

Instagram

Twitter

Buy Greg’s book on Amazon


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screen kids

Taking Your Kids Back from Their Screens with Arlene Pellicane


It has been extremely difficult during lockdown and virtual schooling to limit screen time for our kids. That is why we have Arlene Pellicane back on the show to talk about Screen Kids, the latest book she’s co-written with Gary Chapman.

Arlene Pellicane tells us what too much screen time will do to our kids’ brains. She explains us how the internet trains kids to become accustomed to instant gratification and how that affects their wellbeing and behavior over time. Most importantly, she teaches us how to set non-negotiable boundaries around computers and devices in our homes.

Learn how to keep screen time balanced for you and your kids once and for all in this episode!

 

Arlene Pellicane

If you didn’t get to listen to Arlene’s first show, The Cool, Calm, and Connected Family, click here. She is a speaker and author of several books including Parents Rising, 31 Days to Becoming a Happy Mom, and Calm, Cool and Connected: 5 Digital Habits for a More Balanced Life. Arlene has been featured on the Today Show, Fox & Friends, Focus on the Family, and FamilyLife Today. She’s the host of the Happy Home Podcast and regular contributor to Proverbs 31 Ministries.

Now she’s co-written Screen Kids and Grandparenting Screen Kids with Gary Chapman.

Arlene lives in San Diego with her husband James and their three children. You too can have a happy home – Arlene’s books will show you how.

Screen Kids: 5 Relational Skills Every Child Needs in a Tech-Driven World

Has Technology Taken Over Your Home?

In this digital age, children spend more time interacting with screens and less time playing outside, reading a book, or interacting with family. Though technology has its benefits, it also has its harms.

In Screen Kids Gary Chapman and Arlene Pellicane will empower you with the tools you need to make positive changes. Through stories, science, and wisdom, you’ll discover how to take back your home from an overdependence on screens. Plus, you’ll learn to teach the five A+ skills that every child needs to master: affection, appreciation, anger management, apology, and attention. Learn how to:

  • Protect and nurture your child’s growing brain
  • Establish simple boundaries that make a huge difference
  • Recognize the warning signs of gaming too much
  • Raise a child who won’t gauge success through social media
  • Teach your child to be safe online

This newly revised edition features the latest research and interactive assessments, so you can best confront the issues technology create in your home. Now is the time to equip your child with a healthy relationship with screens and an even healthier relationship with others.

What You’ll Learn

  • Your device is designed to be sticky. Everything is created on purpose so you and your child will check it frequently.
  • A bicycle is a tool that waits for you to use it. Tech is not. It keeps prompting you to pick it up.
  • You’re not a bad parent and your kid is not without self-control. But it’s up to you to empower yourself.
  • None of Arlene’s kids have smartphones. How does she do it?
  • Children want devices to be like everyone else.
  • Kids gauge their worth on how many followers and fans they have.
  • There is an increase of suicide, depression, and self-harm in kids. Followers are not friends. The relationships are not satisfying.
  • Boys can be exposed to porn.
  • Girls are exposed to social media that always makes them feel less-than.
  • There are workarounds to raising kids with no devices.
  • Every kid is different. Some kids can limit themselves and others can’t.
  • Parents must set separate rules for each child if necessary.
  • It’s okay to show kids that life can be unfair.
  • Teach your kids to use the phone for a purpose.
  • When wondering if your child should be online, ask yourself are youR kids consuming or creating? Is what they’re doing digital vegetable (learning, creating) or digital candy (passive consumption, gaming)?
  • Screen time reduces kids’ tolerance to waiting, and they are used to being entertained all the time.
  • There is a difference between watching movies together as a family and your kids watching what they want by themselves.
  • Dopamine can be overdone. That’s why kids who are amused by games all day are moody and unhappy.
  • When your kid plays a video game that triggers flight or flight, blood flow to the prefrontal cortex is reduced. The decision-making center for self-control is dark.
  • When kids are constantly in survival mode, they lose practice of the executive center of their brains.
  • Devices are too accessible. Location is the key to regulation.
    • Make barriers.
    • Collect phones at night.
    • Keep screens in common areas.
    • Delay giving your child a device for as long as you can.
    • Take a digital sabbath, one day completely screen free. If your kids freak out during 24 hours without WIFI, you know you have a problem

RELATED EPISODES:

The Cool, Calm, and Connected Family with Arlene Pellicane

Digital Minimalism with Cal Newport

Parents’ Guide to Video Game Addiction with Cam Adair

Love Languages and Other Marriage Tips for the Pandemic with Gary Chapman

 


Protect your kids with the Bark App

cyberbullying

sexual content

suicidal ideation

online predators


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If you’re enjoying the show, leave us an itunes reviewIf your review is chosen as the iTunes Review-of-the Week, we’ll send you the free book of your choice!

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Arlene Pelicane’s Links

arlenepellicane.com

Facebook

Twitter

Instagram

YouTube

Amazon

Resources

Fill out an application for The Dad Edge Alliance

The Dad’s Edge AUDIOBOOK on iTunes or Audible

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The Anatomy of Marriage Part 2: The Man’s Side

Are you white-knuckling it through your marriage? Sometimes the relationship with our spouse gets off track and it seems beyond repair. We wonder how long we can hold on, but it’s not because the marriage is hopeless. It’s that we don’t possess the right tools to make it work.

Today’s guest is Seth Studley, the other half of The Anatomy of Marriage podcast and app for couples. If you listened to the show with his wife Melanie, you’ll remember that their marriage was so bad that she ended up giving him a black eye.

Seth is a Licensed Family Therapist and he gives us the man’s perspective on marriage. He tells us the signs that his relationship was headed for disaster, how it totally derailed, and the emotional labor he had to do to piece it back together.

For those men who are tired of fighting their way through marriage, this show is a game changer. Listen now or download for later!

 

 

The Anatomy of Marriage

A great marriage is built little-by-little over time. AOM Radio is a fun and engaging daily show that will help you create a fulfilling, sexy, fun and life-giving marriage. And hey, it’s cheaper than marriage counseling!

No one person has the answers for every marriage, that is why Seth and Melanie Studley bring on amazing guests and have REAL CONVERSATIONS about sex, money, kids, marriage counseling, relationships, and so much more!

Seth and Melanie believe that marriage help shouldn’t be boring so we created the Anatomy Of Marriage App, the Couples Counseling App that’s fast, fun and NEVER BORING! Better relationships in the blink of an eye and WAY CHEAPER then marriage counseling!

Download the Anatomy of Marriage app.
Use promocode Dadedge.

What You’ll Learn

  • Seth and Melanie were emotionally immature and arguing all the time.
  • 7 years into their marriage, Melanie gave Seth a black eye when she found out he had been lying about watching porn.
  • You shouldn’t look to partner for self-worth.
  • Being super introspective is the first step to repairing your marriage.
  • Nobody’s got it all together, not even Seth who is a couples’ therapist.
  • Men are used to white-knuckling it alone.
  • Not knowing yourself or your feelings effects your marriage.
  • Men need to do the work. Emotional labor. Get real with yourself.
  • How talking out loud to someone will help you figure out what’s going on with yourself.
  • How to create healthy transition time between work and family
  • What is cognitive dissonance and how it creates turmoil
  • We think we can do it alone, but if we could do it on our own, we would’ve done it by now. That is why men need a coach, therapist, or group.
  • The things are men not talking about when it comes to marriage problems.
  • We are capable of superman moments if we give ourselves a chance.
  • Don’t put off addressing the problems in your relationship. You can be your own guru.
  • Get comfortable admitting your struggling to your wife. She wants the emotional connection, which cultivates intimacy.
  • If you want to change, don’t give yourself a way out.

Download the Anatomy of Marriage app.
Use promocode Dadedge.

 

MENTIONED EPISODES:

The Anatomy of Marriage with Melanie Studley

#75Hard: Start Reaching Your Goals with an Accountability Partner

 


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Get a FREE book!

If you’re enjoying the show, leave us an itunes reviewIf your review is chosen as the iTunes Review-of-the Week, we’ll send you the free book of your choice!

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Thanks for the support!

CLICK HERE TO LEAVE YOUR REVIEW.


Seth Studley and the Anatomy of Marriage

anatomyofmarriage.com

Podcast

Facebook

Instagram

YouTube

coaching@anatomyofmarriage.com

ANATOMY OF MARRIAGE APP (Use promocode Dadedge)

Resources

Fill out an application for The Dad Edge Alliance

The Dad’s Edge AUDIOBOOK on iTunes or Audible

GRAB A COPY OF THE DAD’S EDGE BOOK HERE

Join our Dad Edge Group on Facebook

We have Dad Edge T-Shirts!  Grab one HERE

FREE chapter from THE DAD’S EDGE on UNLIMITED PATIENCE

FREE EBOOK: CONNECTION WITH YOUR SPOUSE

FREE EBOOK:  CONNECTION WITH YOUR KIDS

Follow The Dad Edge


Build an Extraordinary Marriage!

Join over 420 men becoming their best selves
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Tag us when you share on social media!

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The Anatomy of Marriage

The Anatomy of Marriage Part 1: The Woman’s Side


How is marriage supposed to work? We have never been taught, and when things start derailing, we have no idea what to do.

This show was planned for a later date, but it is too good and too relevant to hold onto. The pandemic has heightened the level of stress in our lives and in our relationships. Many couples are struggling to navigate through these challenging times.

So today we have marriage expert and coach,Melanie Studley with us. She’s the cohost of the Anatomy of Marriage podcast and co-creator of the Anatomy of Marriage app.

Melanie dissects the most common issues between a man and a woman. She tells us what our spouses really think and feel when we watch porn. Melanie also explains the underlying anatomy of a marriage and gives us a formula to communicate our needs and desires as men in a confident, calm and masculine way.

So simple and so powerful, don’t miss the pro tips in this episode!

Melanie Studley’s Story

A Marriage Counselor is supposed to know it all, they are supposed to have the tools and the skills to navigate the ups-and-downs of relationships, but 11 years ago we hit rock bottom.

Seth confessed to lying and looking at Pornography and so I gave him a black eye…

We had two little boys, 15 months and 2 weeks old, and we were completely lost. Deep down we both wanted our marriage to work, so after months of tearing each other apart we turned our attention to healing our broken marriage. But… we couldn’t find ANY marriage resources for IMPERFECT, BROKEN AND MESSY PEOPLE!

We started on our journey anyway and eventually began healing, then we decided to turn our mess into our message and to create the resources that we wish we had during the HARDEST PARTS of our marriage. With over 2.5 Million downloads of our Podcast, and listeners all over the world, our raw vulnerability, practical tools and real help for real couples is making much larger impact than we could have ever dreamed!

Download the Anatomy of Marriage app.
Use promocode Dadedge.

What You’ll Learn

  • Most couples have no idea how to handle it when things go wrong in marriage, which it inevitably does from time to time.
  • The genesis of Melanie’s career as a marriage coach started in the pit of dysfunction.
  • Melanie didn’t understand herself, how relationships worked, and the whole point of marriage.
  • Why porn makes women feel that they are not good enough.
  • Think it through next time you want to consume pornography. What if your kids find it on your phone?
  • Children who are exposed to pornography are too young to know what it means, and it plants the seeds of sexual dysfunction.
  • Instead of giving restless energy away to porn, funnel it into positive things.
  • What men get wrong in sexuality—they have the power to make their wife feel like a goddess.
  • Porn is like kryptonite. It takes away your sexual superpowers.
  • Many men are quietly pissed off in their marriage but refuse to speak up. They don’t know what to say or how to say it.
  • Women want to be fiercely independent, yet most women are also wired to want to be there to help their husbands.
  • Men just want women to be happy, but they neglect the important things.
  • When men are frustrated, they shut themselves down until they break down.
  • Don’t wait to tell your wife when you don’t like something, are angry, or disagree with her.
  • Don’t let the pressure build up. If things are already set to explode, don’t take the lid off all at once.
  • Get in the habit of small conversations all the time to make sure you’re on the same page.
  • The “Clearing Structure”–a hyper-empowered way to express your feelings and offer solutions without your partner getting defensive.
  • King and Queen always link together. Be each other’s heroes.
  • Approach conflicts with a positive energy, not a submissive or negative one.
  • Conversation starters release the tension around things you didn’t even know were bothering you.
  • Communication doesn’t have to be complicated.

Download the Anatomy of Marriage app.
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MENTIONED EPISODES:

No More Mr. Nice Guy with Dr. Robert Glover

Why Nice Guys Don’t Get Their Needs Met

Become Irresistible to Your Woman with Allana Pratt

#75Hard: Start Reaching Your Goals with an Accountability Partner

 


Protect your kids with the Bark App

cyberbullying

sexual content

suicidal ideation

online predators


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Melanie Studley and the Anatomy of Marriage

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