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reactive parenting

Breaking the Cycle of Reactive Parenting

In this episode of the Dad Edge Podcast, we have invited Hunter Clarke-Fields, a mindfulness mama mentor. She coaches smart, accomplished, overstressed individuals on how to cultivate mindfulness in their daily lives.

Hunter has over 20 years of experience in yoga, mindfulness practices and a certified teacher of parent effectiveness training. She has taught mindfulness to thousands of parents worldwide. She is also an international speaker and an author as well.

Today, she talks with us about the meaning of being a mindful father and breaking the cycle of reactive parenting.

What You’ll Learn

Dads’ Achilles Heel

[1:31]

Patience is the Achilles heel for men. Most of us don’t realize that patience and mindfulness are skills and not something we’re supposed to feel. Our feelings will trick us where we think that we have to have the feeling of patience, but it’s actually a skill that we can strengthen.

 

Action Review

[4:24]

We are all human, and we are going to mess up eventually. It’s not always perfect. You’re not going to take the magic pill and suddenly have the patience of Yoda in every situation. You’re going to make mistakes from time to time. But you can identify exactly where the mess was and how to avoid it in the future. It takes practice and trusting the process.

 

An Intense Father

[7:45]

Hunter was a highly-sensitive kid. Growing up, she had a lot of freedom and independence, but her father had a bad temper, which was intense. That is the last thing that Hunter wants to give to her children. In her childhood, her father wasn’t taught the parenting skills, and Hunter would cower behind her bedroom door, scared.

[8:44]

Hunter and her father now have a great relationship. Her father is very encouraging and loving in a lot of ways. Still, there was his temper side, which damaged their relationship for a long time. They were able to heal their relationship in Hunter’s late 20s. But the style of discipline that her father used was really damaging to their relationship

[10:01]

Hunter’s father is a challenging man. He suffered enormously, which is connected to the patterns that go back generations. He was an artistic kid and had dyslexia. Her grandfather would beat him with a belt because he couldn’t do well in his math problems, so he had a lot of suffering that he passed on to Hunter.

[11:17]

For Hunter, his father did the best with what he had in raising her. She sees that patterns from generations come through, and she doesn’t want to hit her children. She wants to have a great relationship with them, which is the driver of her work.

 

The Wounded Healer

[13:40]

Hunter’s experiences motivated her to step into something that she wanted to create that would be a better experience for her daughters and herself as a parent and her journey of satisfaction with parenting them.

 

Embedded in our DNA

[14:21]

We have this great belief in our decision-making abilities. There are habits, patterns, causes, and conditions for the different life habits beyond our control. The most evolved part of our system when we’re born is that we can detect a threat. That system is one of the only parts that are completely fully developed at birth. We’re born with these causes and conditions that have little to do with what we decide. We can shift and change those patterns, which are already in us. We do this thing because we think that it’s all something that we decide, and we start to blame and shame ourselves for all of these things

[16:20]

No one decides to be impatient and to lose their temper. It’s is part of the legacy that we are given. This is part of the nervous system that we have. It’s our biology to have a threat response. To blame ourselves isn’t helpful. It doesn’t help us grow and change and do better. But it’s also not true because it’s not a choice that you made.

 

The Ability to Learn

[18:40]

Anyone can learn new skills, new tactics, new techniques, and new things to improve their reactivity and response. We can respond in a moment versus react. It’s the story that we actually tell ourselves that even keeps us from even being open to the fact that we can learn something new.

[19:49]

It’s important to accept the full range of our emotional experiences. We all have the seeds of anger within us. We may have even seeds of more anger and aggression because we have more angry and aggressive ancestors. But we have neuroplasticity where our brains are constantly growing and learning and changing in response to whatever we’re practicing, and what you’re practicing grows stronger.

[21:36]

With time and practice, we grow deeper grooves in the brain, and we can literally change the brain. We’re always growing and learning and changing. Don’t tell yourself that you are this way because what you practice grows stronger, and you can start to shift and change those patterns.

 

 

The Judgemental Culture

[24:52]

We live in a very judgmental culture. The whole story of original badness versus original goodness is not a helpful story. We have this idea that being harsh and mean and judgy to ourselves is helpful. But it actually makes you less likely to grow and change.

 

Self-Compassion

[25:50]

Self-compassionate people are actually much better at building habits and making changes. You’re human, and you’re going to make mistakes. Inevitably, we’re all going to make mistakes. If we answer ourselves with a harsh and damning voice internally, we won’t reach out, make mistakes again, and try new things again. If you give yourself that soft landing and give yourself some kindness when you make a mistake, it makes sense that you’re able to step outside your comfort zone again because you’re inevitably going to make more mistakes as you grow and learn.

 

Going through the Emotions

[28:42]

When you’re supercharged and in a really difficult place where you’re sad, upset, angry, or disappointed in yourself, Hunter teaches how to walk through feeling those feelings.

[29:17]

At that moment, you need to soothe yourself. Go for a walk, listen to music, or just do some stuff to take you away a little bit until you’re ready and calmed down enough to face something.

 

Practicing the Muscles

[31:34]

Those difficult moments with our kids are equivalent to the big game. We wouldn’t put our kids in the Little League World Series without having them go to some practices, learn the skills, and get that muscle memory of practicing that skill. We don’t have the muscles that we don’t practice. We can’t expect ourselves to go into a situation and be calm and nonreactive if we haven’t practiced.

[32:28]

Johns Hopkins had 47 different studies, a meta-study of studies that show that mindfulness meditation lowers anxiety, lowers depression, helps us sleep better, has better health outcomes, and, more importantly, for parents, really increases our impulse control.

[34:19]

We want to understand that our nervous system is perceiving our child as a threat. Our nervous system is preparing us for action. The body’s leading, and we got the whole mind and the body there together. We can do a couple things at that moment, using the mind and using the body to calm our stress response.

 

Releasing the Energy

[37:11]

That threat response is building up energy in your body. There’s blood flowing to your muscles, they’re getting tense and getting tighter, so there’s an energy in your body, and you have to release that energy so you can literally shake it out.

[47:47]

Identifying the emotion and saying it out loud and not putting the blame on kids or your spouse takes the power of the emotion away. It’s a way of taking responsibility because your kid or spouse didn’t make you feel that way. Our emotions arise through many causes and conditions, and some have to do with ourselves.

[42:39]

Your emotions have a lot of different causes and conditions. It’s just about owning them. When we say them out loud, we make ourselves more aware of what’s going on with us. It’s like this beautiful thing because it’s also modeling emotional intelligence. When we say those things out loud, our kids learn how to take care of their feelings because they’re just learning from us

[43:51]

It’s no true that there is something wrong with having these feelings and that shameful to have. We need to just own it, and then we can come back to a more peaceful state more easily.

 

Accepting our Feelings

[46:17]

When we ignore our feelings and try to push them away, it just gets worse. When we walk with our shadow behind us, with the difficult things that we don’t want to look at behind us, that shadow becomes big and scary. But when we walk with our shadow in front of us, we can see and deal with it. It’s just our shadow. It’s part of our existence, and we have unpleasant feelings. It’s part of life. When we can acknowledge them, it can flow on by a little bit more easily instead of getting bottled up.

Hunter Clarke-Fields’ Links

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/huntercyoga/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mindfulmamamentor/

Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/user/huntercyoga

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/hunter-clarke-fields-7b336b91

Mindful Mama Podcast: https://www.mindfulmamamentor.com/blog/Resources/podcast/

 


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If you’re enjoying the show, leave us an itunes reviewIf your review is chosen as the iTunes Review-of-the Week, we’ll send you the free book of your choice!

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Thanks for the support!

CLICK HERE TO LEAVE YOUR REVIEW.


 


Resources

Fill out an application for The Dad Edge Alliance

The Dad’s Edge AUDIOBOOK on iTunes or Audible

GRAB A COPY OF THE DAD’S EDGE BOOKHERE

Join our Dad Edge Group on Facebook

We have Dad Edge T-Shirts!  Grab one HERE

FREE chapter from THE DAD’S EDGE on UNLIMITED PATIENCE

FREE EMAIL SERIES: CONNECTION WITH YOUR SPOUSE

FREE EBOOK:  CONNECTION WITH YOUR KIDS


Our biggest regrets in life happen
when we’ve lost our patience. 

how to have more patience

Stop Reacting and Start Living

Do the work. Make a plan. Follow along with simple, yet powerful exercises and tap into the patience that is within you.

Get the Patience eCourse Plus 1 FREE Month in the Dad Edge Alliance

Create an action plan to help you thrive in life and build the legacy you want.

CLICK HERE TO LEARN MORE


Follow The Dad Edge


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in The Dad Edge Alliance.

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emotional intelligence skills for men

Emotional Intelligence Skills for Men with Dr. Nick Sotelo

In this episode, we have invited Dr. Nick Sotelo, a coach and counselor. He is a leader in our Dad Edge Alliance and guides people to reaching their potential. He has succeeded in helping people achieve more in their careers and relationships.

Dr. Nick also helps men struggling with addiction, their identity, and their ability to connect well with spouses and children. Today we talk about emotional intelligence skills for men.

You will learn how to master your anger and patience, how to become more self-aware, and how to realize and reach your potential for an upgraded life!

What You’ll Learn

Relationship Pitfalls

[9:22]

Nick discusses the importance of the degree of knowledge and awareness. It’s about different styles of how families do certain things and blend them into a new relationship.

[10:26]

Building a relationship is new learning, and sometimes there come challenges that people should know what’s worth fighting for. Nick emphasizes the importance of awareness of what people are bringing into a relationship, especially on the front-end types.

Overcoming the Feeling of Brokenness

[15:32]

Finding people, especially with your family, or creating a connection to spiritual and religious institutions and asking or receiving guidance and mentorship around relationship issues, specifically communication, and learning what it takes to make a marriage work.

[16:36]

Nobody wants to view themselves as broken. But learning from a different perspective, it is essential to acknowledge brokenness, get over it and move on.

Realization and Acceptance

[17:28]

There is nothing wrong with being imperfect. The difference is that as being flawed, at a mastermind, people are humble and is always eager to learn and live a legendary life. In the group environment at a mastermind, a variety of people acts to learn from different experiences.

[20:50]

Nick shared that people should be allowed to show their vulnerabilities. He once was one of the guys who can’t accept that something is wrong and tell people that everything was fine.

[22:10]

In their call team statement, there is a saying that “we are men willing to do the work,” He believes that it is vital for people as accountability is one way to help someone forward.

Anger Issues

[28:04]

Nick studied the psychological side of feelings and emotions and how people will integrate them and deal with everyday frustrations that can cause anger.

[29:53]

Anger is a confusing feeling when connected to other emotions. He believes that part of the work is understanding what makes you happy, what makes you sad, what makes you afraid, and what makes you angry. He said that people are mad because other feelings could be active, and we are not aware of it.

Four Phases Components

[30:48]

People should figure out their thoughts and their feelings.

[31:58]

Learn to take some box breathing deep breaths and how to remove yourself from a situation. Also, learn how to trigger some helpful thoughts in your mind instead of clinging to the not so useful ideas.

[32:17]

Building up people’s resilience to anger is essential to him. Change the routine and change the media that you choose to take into your being every single day.

[33:05]

When enduring a problem with anger or a pattern with anger, learn to link it back to forgiveness. Either forgiveness for yourself, for something that you think that you’ve done, or forgiveness for other people along the way that have inflicted damage.

Dr. Nick Sotelo’s Links

nicksotelo.com

LinkedIn


Leave an iTunes review.
Get a FREE book!

If you’re enjoying the show, leave us an itunes reviewIf your review is chosen as the iTunes Review-of-the Week, we’ll send you the free book of your choice!

What to do: send an email to support@gooddadproject.com notifying us about your review, your mailing address, and your choice of a guest book from our Books Page!

Thanks for the support!

CLICK HERE TO LEAVE YOUR REVIEW.


Resources

Fill out an application for The Dad Edge Alliance

The Dad’s Edge AUDIOBOOK on iTunes or Audible

GRAB A COPY OF THE DAD’S EDGE BOOK HERE

Join our Dad Edge Group on Facebook

We have Dad Edge T-Shirts!  Grab one HERE

FREE chapter from THE DAD’S EDGE on UNLIMITED PATIENCE

FREE EMAIL SERIES: CONNECTION WITH YOUR SPOUSE

FREE EBOOK:  CONNECTION WITH YOUR KIDS

Follow The Dad Edge


Don’t settle for a mediocre life.

Join over 457 men becoming their best selves
in The Dad Edge Alliance.

APPLY HERE!

 


What did you think of the show?

What was your biggest take away?

Tag us when you share on social media!

#TheDadEdge

Twitter @gooddadprojct

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mindset driven fitness

Mindset-Driven Fitness with Marc Hildebrand

Without challenges, we cannot grow. One of our biggest challenges as fathers is to make sure we don’t neglect our health. But learning how to take care of our bodies is the foundation that sets us up for success in all other areas of our lives.

Marc Hildebrand is a husband, father, and LAPD sergeant. He is the creator of First Responder Fitness and provides mindset, fitness, and nutrition solutions for those in the unpredictable career of being a first responder. After losing 100 pounds, he tells us from firsthand experience how to balance work, family, and fitness.

He talks about how outer success is a reflection of our inner growth, and that is why mindset-driven fitness is the only way to get lasting results on your health goals for this year and the rest of your life.

What You’ll Learn

  • Most dads feel like they have to choose between work, family, and fitness, but they can have it all.
  • The right questions bring the right answers. Ask yourself a solutions-based questions. “How might I make it possible to do what I need to do?”
  • How Marc lost 100 pounds
  • Lasting fitness is more about mindset than tactics.
  • The people you surround yourself with lift you up.
  • Your outer success is a reflection of your inner growth.
  • You can’t be a good role model if you’re not taking care of yourself.
  • Cop tactics for parenting—Slow down your speech and lower your voice to calm kids. Ask yourself, “How can I be most effective right now?”
  • You being under control will ripple to those around you.
  • The simplest things men can do to get tiny wins
  • Thank about what you put into your brain.
  • Start the morning with content that will put you into the right mindset.
  • Pick up a book or subscribe to a podcast that inspires you.
  • How to bring your family into your health and fitness lifestyle
  • Don’t push your wife and kids to join you, but model it for them.
  • Show your kids that you are constantly working. Dad is always willing to learn.
  • The 80/20 rule—20% of your actions produce 80% of your results.
  • What tasks are not bringing your results? Eliminate them.
  • Go all in on the 20% activities

RELATED EPISODES:

How to Optimize the 5 Dimensions of Manhood

How to Become a Patient Father in 37 Minutes


Leave an iTunes review.
Get a FREE book!

If you’re enjoying the show, leave us an itunes reviewIf your review is chosen as the iTunes Review-of-the Week, we’ll send you the free book of your choice!

What to do: send an email to dadedgemanagement@gmail.com notifying us about your review, your mailing address, and your choice of a guest book from our Books Page!

Thanks for the support!

CLICK HERE TO LEAVE YOUR REVIEW.


Marc Hildebrand’s Links

firstresponderfitness.us

Facebook

Instagram

Resources

Fill out an application for The Dad Edge Alliance

The Dad’s Edge AUDIOBOOK on iTunes or Audible

GRAB A COPY OF THE DAD’S EDGE BOOKHERE

Join our Dad Edge Group on Facebook

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FREE chapter from THE DAD’S EDGE on UNLIMITED PATIENCE

FREE EBOOK: CONNECTION WITH YOUR SPOUSE

FREE EBOOK:  CONNECTION WITH YOUR KIDS

Follow The Dad Edge


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fatherhood skills

Critical Fatherhood Skills

You do not have to be a victim of you past. You can learn to pivot and become stronger. Today’s guest proves it.

Everyday dad and Dad Edge Alliance member Christopher Wilson grew up with an abusive, alcoholic father. He never knew what a normal, healthy family was supposed to look like.

Now he is a husband and a father and works for the inspirational fitness community, Critical Bench. Chris shares what he learned from his difficult childhood, how he deals with his own patience and anger issues, and the critical fatherhood skills he uses to make sure his home is a happy one for his wife and kids.

Chris Wilson

Chris Wilson, BS, CPT, SSN has worked in the fitness industry for 20 years. He began as a personal trainer at World’s Gym after college in 1998 working with clients face to face. After managing a fitness center for years, he wanted to reach more people and has continued his coaching helping people all over the world sharing his passion and enthusiasm for fitness, strength and health.

What You’ll Learn

  • Abuse is a form of attention that children can learn to crave
  • How Chris got over anger and patience issues
  • Kids need to be part of something. Connection can help teens get through a rough life.
  • How Chris got through the why me victim moments
  • Even when Chris thought his dad didn’t love him, he knew God loved him and that got him through.
  • What Chris has learned about marriage.
  • Spouses become roommates when everything is about the kids.
  • As a man, be a sounding board for you wife. Women want to be heard.
  • If you don’t listen to you wife, she feels you don’t care.
  • Your wife needs you to show up at random moments.
  • When a woman’s unspoken needs are not fulfilled, she will reach a breaking point.
  • The importance of praise. Show your appreciation for all the little things.
  • How to stop taking things so personally in life
  • What to do about your inner bully
  • Don’t be too good to apologize to your kids.
  • Praise your kids for owning up to mistakes.

MENTIONED EPISODES:

Wild at Heart with John Eldredge

Dad Edge Alliance Q&A: The Modern Revolution of the Masculine Heart with John Eldredge


Our biggest regrets in life happen
when we’ve lost our patience. 

how to have more patience

 

Stop Reacting and Start Living

Do the work. Make a plan. Follow along with simple, yet powerful exercises and tap into the patience that is within you.

Get the Patience eCourse
Plus 1 FREE Month in the Dad Edge Alliance

Create an action plan to help you thrive in life and build the legacy you want.

CLICK HERE TO LEARN MORE


Chris Wilson’s Links

youtube.com/user/Criticalbench/

Resources

Fill out an application for The Dad Edge Alliance

The Dad’s Edge AUDIOBOOK on iTunes or Audible

GRAB A COPY OF THE DAD’S EDGE BOOKHERE

Join our Dad Edge Group on Facebook

We have Dad Edge T-Shirts!  Grab one HERE

FREE chapter from THE DAD’S EDGE on UNLIMITED PATIENCE

FREE EBOOK: CONNECTION WITH YOUR SPOUSE

FREE EBOOK:  CONNECTION WITH YOUR KIDS

Follow The Dad Edge


LIVE LEGENDARY

Join over 457 men becoming their best selves
in The Dad Edge Alliance.

APPLY HERE!

 


What did you think of the show?

What was your biggest take away?

Tag us when you share on social media!

#TheDadEdge

Twitter @gooddadprojct

Instagram @thedadedge

how to become a patient father

How to Become a Patient Father in 37 Minutes

Today we talk about how to become a patient father.

The Dad Edge started on one of the worst nights of my life as a dad. I lost my patience and did something I regret to this day.

I didn’t grow up with my dad in the picture, and the men in my life were not good father figures to me. I was raised in an uncertain, sometimes abusive, alcohol-ridden household. When I became a parent, I didn’t have a clue. All I knew is what I didn’t want to do, but that wasn’t enough.

Losing our temper does not mean that we are bad, hopeless people. We are only lacking the skills to talk ourselves down so that we can respond instead of reacting to the daily challenges of fatherhood.

In this show, I give you a toolbox of strategies that you can use to understand the triggers, notice the signs, and disarm the bomb before it goes off.

Patience is the capacity to accept, tolerate, or delay trouble or suffering without getting angry or upset.

What You’ll Learn

  • Why focusing on what NOT to do as a parent backfires
  • Why it’s so hard to determine where our anger comes from
  • The shame and guilt we feel because we don’t understand why we sometimes verbally, or even physically, take our frustration out on our loved ones
  • The things we do in the morning that set us up for disaster when it comes to losing our tempers
  • The elements of patience
  • The physical triggers that signal that we’re about to react
  • How we unwittingly trigger our fight or flight mechanisms
  • How to create space between reaction and response
  • Why emotions are neither bad nor good
  • How to detach from outcomes
  • How to prepare for moments that will test our patience
  • How to give forgive ourselves when we make mistakes
  • Stopping negative self-talk
  • Executing an after-action review

BECOME A PATIENT FATHER IN 37 MINUTES

Learn how to understand, predict, and neutralize your temper in this quick, actionable eCourse.

Includes print offs, templates, plus a 30-day membership in THE DAD EDGE MASTERMIND.

Get support, motivation, and advice from other men who’ve been there. With the accountability of the community, you will not fail!


Resources

Fill out an application for The Dad Edge Alliance

The Dad’s Edge AUDIOBOOK on iTunes or Audible

GRAB A COPY OF THE DAD’S EDGE BOOKHERE

Join our Dad Edge Group on Facebook

We have Dad Edge T-Shirts!  Grab one HERE

FREE chapter from THE DAD’S EDGE on UNLIMITED PATIENCE

FREE EBOOK: CONNECTION WITH YOUR SPOUSE

FREE EBOOK:  CONNECTION WITH YOUR KIDS

Follow The Dad Edge


LIVE LEGENDARY

Join over 457 men becoming their best selves
in The Dad Edge Alliance.

APPLY HERE!


What did you think of the show?

What was your biggest take away?

Tag us when you share on social media!

#TheDadEdge

Twitter @gooddadprojct

Instagram @thedadedge