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toxic father

Making Peace with a Toxic Father

Our relationship with our fathers determines how we will be as fathers. But we have a choice. We can either repeat the cycle or use it as a lesson on how not to parent.

Forgiveness seems impossible when it comes to someone who hurt us so badly during the time that we needed them most, but it is the only way to not let the anger rule us as parents. Today we talk about making peace with a toxic father.

Justin Chester’s father was absent most of the time. When his dad was home, he was cold and mean. He’d lock Justin outside during rainstorms and pin him to the wall for not knowing how to tie his shoes.

Now Justin has been married for 3 years and is the father of two sons, a one-year-old and a newborn. He knew that holding onto the resentment and trauma was holding him back in life. In a heroic act of forgiveness, he reached out and confronted his dad to bury the pain. His toxic father cannot take back the past, but Justin is no longer letting it poison his future.

“Stay out of your head. Be okay with the unexpected. Don’t be afraid to get out of your comfort zone, and enjoy life where you’re at.”

What You’ll Learn

  • Operate within the man that you are.
  • When it comes to a toxic father, what could be instead of what was done to me?
  • Children are supposed to need their fathers, but sometimes the roles reverse and the parent needs the relationship with the child more than the child does.
  • Holding onto anger doesn’t benefit either of person or their situation in life.
  • Justin didn’t seek agreement from his toxic father. He decided to move past it for himself.
  • How to defeat the victim mentality.
  • Stop getting stuck in thoughts about how angry you are. Stop buying into your obsession. Move past and get to a better place so it is no longer holding you back in life.
  • Getting back to having real, naturally flowing conversations with your spouse.
  • Working towards what you want together instead of what you alone want.
  • How to be excited about the adventure of marriage and fatherhood

MENTIONED EPISODES

How to Unf*ck Yourself with Gary John Bishop

Why Should I Forgive? with Derek Stone

Personal Evolution Through Trauma with Stefanos Sifandos

One Last Talk: Your Truth Matters with Philip McKernan


Protect your kids with the Bark App

cyberbullying

sexual content

suicidal ideation

online predators


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Inadequacy, Insecurity, and Imposter Syndrome

Inadequacy, Insecurity, and Imposter Syndrome with Mike Kitko


Do you feel the need to be perfect, and at the same time, think you’ll never be good enough? As a man, husband, and father, are you plagued by deep-rooted feelings of insecurity and inadequacy, leaving you terrified that people will find out you have no idea what you’re doing? That’s your imposter in charge and he’s preventing you from living as who you really are.

Mike Kitko is an Executive Self-Mastery Coach, speaker, and author. After a colossal career and personal meltdown, he found his true purpose—inspiring leaders to find the power in their authenticity, purpose, and passion.

Today, Mike Kitko talks about how inadequacy, insecurity, and imposter syndrome ruled his life. He teaches us how to cultivate self-awareness and diffuse the imposter before it sabotages us. He also tells us how to stop running from fear and start chasing our purpose so we can provide a loving, safe, and prosperous environment for our families.

Do you suffer from imposter syndrome? How do you defeat the imposter in charge? Find out in this episode!

Mike Kitko

A Marine with an MBA, Mike has decades of experience in leadership roles for Fortune 500 companies, yet he always felt like an imposter. His outward persona was one of strength and wealth, yet he struggled internally with self-confidence and self-fulfillment. His inability to understand his emotions led him to alcoholism, uncontrolled anger, and ballistic rage. He abused his marriage, family, professional career, and health.

Through coaching, intense study, and deep work, Mike learned to embrace self-doubt and care for his body, mind, emotions, and soul with self-mastery. Now Mikes overflowing energy, clarity, and love inspires souls. With an infectious zest for life, internal power, and inward confidence that matches how people perceive him externally, Mike has turned his life around. And he wants to help you to do the same.

If you can’t feel it, you can’t heal it, and if you can’t heal it, you can’t be you.—Mike Kitko

The Imposter in Charge

Life’s good, right? You’ve got the high-paying job, the car, the home, the family–so why do you feel so incomplete?

Maybe your ego is bursting at the seams and you can’t show yourself for who you really are. Perhaps you have no boundaries and you pour yourself into others–their problems, their pressures, their pleasures–at the expense of yourself and your own family. You might think you need to be perfect but are acutely aware that you’re not good enough. Could it be that deep-down you feel inadequate, incapable, and like a fraud?

You don’t have to live like that. The Imposter in Charge is the vulnerable and raw account of Mike Kitko’s journey from being an overweight, overstressed, overachieving alcoholic business executive who was on the brink of divorce, to a life of authenticity, courage, confidence, and clarity. This transparent account offers a then-to-now experience, as well as practical applications and practices to help you break out of the imposter syndrome yourself–once and for all.

What You’ll Learn

  • Men learn from a very young age to not be real, vulnerable, and or have emotions.
  • When we wear a mask and shrink, we can’t really feel human.
  • What it means when everything you thought would bring you happiness doesn’t.
  • How the world loves you exactly the way you are. When you realize that, things start to change
  • Mike used to be over 300 pounds and an alcoholic.
  • When Mike figured out that he had nothing figured out
  • When Mike quit drinking, he lost who he thought were friends, but then real people showed up.
  • How Mike made the bold move to leave his corporate job and create his coaching business.
  • How he fell head over heels in love with his wife again after their marriage was nearly destroyed.
  • Perfection is impossible
  • Emotions are going to make us behave badly.
  • Accept that on the journey of improvement, you’re going to stumble,
  • Why you must surrender to the natural feeling of inadequacy and insecurity.
  • What is a critical purpose decision?
  • 90% of people are running away from fear. 10% are chasing purpose.
  • We’re not here to survive, play small, provide and buy more stuff.
  • You don’t have to sacrifice yourself to have a lucrative business.
  • Your desires are your gateway to understanding what purpose you serve.
  • How men can find their true purpose and make sure they’re not chasing someone else’s purpose.
  • Lack of self-awareness drives the imposter syndrome.
  • The importance of knowing your talents and weaknesses.
  • Getting and staying in your “zone of genius” as much as possible
  • Clarity is a creative force.
  • His mission is to move men from survivorship to leadership
    • Yourself
    • Society
    • Family
  • We can’t provide a safe prosperous loving environment for our families if we are not living authentically.
  • Love = Letting Others Voluntarily Evolve
  • How we’re inadvertently telling our kids their choices aren’t good enough.
  • We’re not here to help our kids avoid mistakes, but to help them make choices after they understand the consequences.

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What Kind of Father Do You Want to Be?

What Kind of Father Do You Want to Be?


We have two choices when we become a dad. Are we going to be like our fathers? Or are we going to try to be different. Some men have a good sense of what a good dad should be by watching their fathers. Other men are trying to break a pattern of bad fathering, whether it be addiction, anger, or complete absence.

On today’s short show we have Dad Edge Alliance member Andy Nelson. He is a divorced dad who admits that he was not there mentally for his kids or their mother. He knew he had to break the pattern of his father’s parenting and began to proactively improve his relationship with both his kids and his ex-wife.

Andy tells us how he developed a framework to change his life and how he succeeded by focusing on his goals instead of running away from what he didn’t want.

'You have to embrace all your feelings. You won’t feel the extreme highs without the extreme lows.'—Andy Nelson #fatherhood #mentalhealth #menshealth #gratitude Click To Tweet

MENTIONED EPISODES:

How to Unf*ck Yourself with Gary John Bishop

Dad Edge Alliance Q&A – Gary John Bishop on Fatherhood

How to Optimize the 5 Dimensions of Manhood

 

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 Resources

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Download a free chapter from: THE DAD’S EDGE on UNLIMITED PATIENCE HERE

Check out this free resource on: CONNECTION WITH YOUR SPOUSE

Download this free resource on:  CONNECTION WITH YOUR KIDS

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relentless pursuit of greatness Thomas Williams

The Relentless Pursuit of Greatness with former NFL Pro Thomas Williams

Today we have a treat for you. We’re interviewing former pro football player Thomas Williams who’s played for the Jaguars, the Seahawks, the Patriots, the Bills, and the Panthers. Listen as he takes us from overcoming his troubled childhood, to achieving his NFL dream, to using a career-ending injury as the jump-off point to the relentless pursuit of greatness.

Thomas Williams

Thomas struggled through a childhood of adversity. He was born to a white mother and a black father who split up when he was little and moved to opposite sides of the country. Thomas lived in a small town called Vacaville, CA with his mother. As a child he had a build up of anger and, being biracial he struggled with identity issues. He got into fights with other kids and was always getting into trouble at school.

What Thomas remembers most was thinking, why isn’t my dad here? He felt alone, hurt, and angry. He saw all the other kids with their dads and felt resentful. He took his frustration out on his teachers and schoolmates.

At the end of first grade, he got suspended. His mom said she  couldn’t take it anymore. Thomas still regrets what he said to her that day. He told her he didn’t love her and that he wanted to go live with his dad.

Thomas got what he wished for and went to live with his dad for a whole year. He expected to do all the father/son stuff–going to games, playing catch, and spending time together. The reality was altogether different. His dad was still in the military and spent little time at home. On most days, Thomas had to let himself in the house after school and cook and clean for himself. He was also exposed to alcohol abuse, gambling, and fornication at an extremely young age. His dad’s idea of fatherly instruction was to sit down with Thomas when he was in 2nd grade and watch Boyz n the Hood. The portrayal of the father and son in the movie was his indirect message to Thomas of what he expected their relationship to be like.

Thomas asked to move back to live with his mother by his 3rd grade year. He was never so apologetic. However, after the experience of living with his father and being exposed to such an unhealthy adult way of life, he noticed he was much more mature than his peers. He felt isolated and started getting into fights and into trouble again.

After he realized how truly frightened his mom was about his future, Thomas finally made the decision to change in the 6th grade and began a transformation into a more positive mindset. This allowed him to pursue his new dream, which was to be on a field with people filling the stadiums to see him play. His mom was doubtful that he could make it. Not many people succeed in professional sports, but he didn’t let her discourage him. He gave himself permission to dream, and he worked until that dream came true.

Football Career

Thomas gave everything he had to make it to pro football, but when asked what it was like to make it to the NFL he says:

It’s everything you can possibly imagine and less.

He found it unfulfilling compared to his expectations. He had the money and the status. He was living the dream, but like when he was able to move to his dad’s, the reality of the situation was entirely different. He had become a man by surmounting obstacles to reach his goals. Because of the determination and toughness he developed, he knew he couldn’t fail no matter the outcome. He realized that the journey was what was important, not the destination.

Don’t do things for the outcome. Do things because that’s who you are.

Thomas continued to push himself in his performance before suffering a severe neck injury that ended his football career for good. That night, he went to bed as a professional athlete, and the next morning, woke up as a former professional athlete. He was only 29 years old.

This didn’t stop him at all. Thomas knew he lived a hell of a life already, and he knew it was time to transform yet again. He wanted to share his story and show others that they can achieve their dreams no matter how big they are. It was this passion that gave him the platform to his purpose. Now he is a coach, a motivational speaker, and the author of two books.

Thomas Williams Dad Wisdom

Thomas isn’t a dad yet. He’s not even a husband yet, but he watches and learns from all those around him. He believes the most important thing to teach his future kids is that it’s okay to be themselves.

 

Did you catch all our episodes with the Navy SEALs? Click here.


Resources

==>NEW!!<== Grab a copy of The Dad’s Edge AUDIOBOOK on iTunes or Audible

GRAB A COPY OF THE DAD’S EDGE HERE

Join our Dad Edge Group on Facebook Request Entry Here

We have new Dad Edge T-Shirts!  Grab one HERE

Download a free chapter from: THE DAD’S EDGE on UNLIMITED PATIENCE HERE

Check out this free resource on: CONNECTION WITH YOUR SPOUSE

Download this free resource on:  CONNECTION WITH YOUR KIDS

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Thomas Williams’ Links

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The Relentless Pursuit of Greatness

Permission to Dream


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How to Live a Life That Counts

How to Live a Life that Counts with John Williams

John Williams is the founder of a non-profit organization called Life That Counts. Today on The Good Dad Project, he shares his story of childhood adversity and talks about how he is raising his two boys, how he keeps his marriage on point, and what amazing things he is doing in the world.

 

John Williams

John Williams grew up in Alabama in a dysfunctional household. He never knew his father. He lived with his mom, his little brother, and his cousin. The man of the house was his tyrannical alcoholic uncle. Daily life was plagued by profanity and poverty. John Williams remembers that he always felt the huge void of his dad’s absence in his life.The man in their lives, his uncle, was not really a man. He never held down a job or kept a relationship. he was a terrorist in the home. There was no discipline, no encouragement, no one to witness his mistakes and to show him how to take ownership of them. He also felt for his mom, who had no one to share the burden of hard times with.

As John grew older, he experience frustration and rage. He watched himself do terrible things. He became violent in front of his mom. One time, he frightened her so badly that she took his little brother and fled the home.

He knew this wasn’t who he wanted to be, but he lived that way into his twenties. He was defensive and always fighting against the world. Eventually a mentor show up in his life who told him that he had to quit living for what he was against and figure out how to live for what he was for. Today he is determined to stop the echoes of his volatile childhood.

My wife is going to know her husband, and my kids are going to know their father.

On Marriage

John Williams and his wife just celebrated their 15th wedding anniversary. She was his high school sweetheart, and the one thing they agreed on before they got married was to eliminate the ‘D’ word from their vocabulary. Divorce was not an option. They pledged themselves wholeheartedly to on another. They keep in mind that they are both human and are prone to screw up. John knows that he isn’t the same man he was ten years ago, or even a month or a day ago. He recognizes the change and growth in his wife as well. They give each other the latitude to grow, change, and adapt over time.

If you want a relationship like the one you had when you first fell in love, you have to do those things you did when you first fell in love.

Life That Counts

John Williams believes in consciously approaching life instead of reacting to our fight or flight instincts. Now he is helping his kids and children everywhere to develop decision-making skills that lead to healthy outcomes. John believes that higher expectations lead to increased performance. When more is expected of students from teachers and parents, they will go further. But he has noticed that when more is expected from students by their peers, the results can not only change their lives, but the culture of the entire school. Peer-to-peer mentoring removes the spotlight from kids’ negative behaviors and puts the focus on behavior that generates positive outcomes. That is why Life That Counts is offering this program to schools at no cost. John Williams wants to show kids how to be the hero of their own stories.

We have to remember that we hold influence and we do have sway, and whatever we want to do in life, we can.


Resources

==>NEW!!<== Grab a copy of The Dad’s Edge AUDIOBOOK on iTunes or Audible

GRAB A COPY OF THE DAD’S EDGE HERE

Join our Dad Edge Group on Facebook Request Entry Here

We have new Dad Edge T-Shirts!  Grab one HERE

Download a free chapter from: THE DAD’S EDGE on UNLIMITED PATIENCE HERE

Check out this free resource on: CONNECTION WITH YOUR SPOUSE

Download this free resource on:  CONNECTION WITH YOUR KIDS

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John William’s Links

 

lifethatcounts.org

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