Counting the Reps to Resistance with Dan Johnson

Dan Johnson

Dan Johnson is a husband, father, and founder of the website New Paths. During his younger years, Dan was introduced to pornography by a friend. As he got older, the addiction intensified. During his college years, Dan used the internet as a way of accessing porn and felt the guilt and shame of his actions.

Before Dan got married, he told his then girlfriend that he was addicted to pornography. After the couple got married, they implemented filters on their devices to prevent him from falling into temptation. Unfortunately, he was unable to resist, and he fell off the wagon again. Once Dan realized that he had to make a change, he joined a peer group to keep him accountable.

With any addiction, it can be easy to fall back into temptation and continue the cycle. However, having a sense of community drives you to be better and helps you to understand that you are not alone. With porn especially, comes a great amount of guilt and shame. What Dan has done is implemented a three-step process that helps you recognize those urges, process them, and actively count the reps of your resistance. The action of recognizing the urges, saying them out loud, and then counting each rep that you resisted the urge to watch porn has allowed Dan and many other men to overcome their addiction.

What You’ll Learn: 

[5:08]

Dan recalls his childhood and how he had the best childhood ever; he was raised in the Church and attended youth group regularly. When he got to junior high, his friend showed him pornography on his computer.

[10:16]

Dan recalls his college years when he really got into pornography at an addicting level.

[12:10]

Dan talks about confessing to his wife of his addiction before he proposed.

[15:42]

Dan recalls confessing years later that he was still watching pornography. It takes a lot of courage to bring up a topic like that with your spouse.

[17:34]

After his first daughter was born, Dan’s wife had cancer in her uterus and had to have a hysterectomy. The couple looked at adoption and there was a question about sexual addiction in the application. Dan decided that it was time to tell the truth and come clean to his wife.

[20:45]

Community can make the biggest difference. Dan joined a peer group and saw a counselor.

[22:24]

In order to stop an unwanted behavior (such as watching porn), stopping the behavior is not the hard part. The difficult part has to do with the feeling you are left with when you don’t do the behavior.

[29:14]

When you feel the desire to do something, and you decide not to do it, you have to try to resist it. This relies on willpower, which can vary from day to day.

[30:30]

Instead of relying on willpower and rejecting that feeling, turn toward the feeling and face it head on. Acknowledge the urge and let it be there. The more you fight against the urge, you tend to turn toward it and give in.

[32:48]

Emotions and feelings are messengers. They have a message that wants to be heard. If you fight against it, you’re going to get more resistance.

[33:21]

There is a three-step process that allows you to process these messages and make decisions. Step one – You notice the feeling is there, and you acknowledge it. This allows to step outside the feeling and separate yourself from the feeling.

[35:56]

Step two is immediately setting a timer for 10 minutes. During this time, you allow that intense feeling to be there. You’re not going to give into it, but you’re also not going to try to resist it or push it away. You give it permission to be there and scream its message at you.

[39:02]

The third step is to count each rep that you’ve done so that you can see your progress, just like at the gym. Each of those reps is like a step to freedom.

[43:09]

Dan talks about replacement behaviors, which entails taking those emotions and directing them somewhere else.

[46:40]

Know when you’re going to be triggered and have a plan in place.

[48:45]

With porn, you tend to feel like no one else struggles with it, which generates a lot of shame. Community takes the edge off the struggle. It makes you feel like you aren’t alone and that other people are struggling with you.

RELATED EPISODES:

Porn Detox – The Truth Will Set You Free with Ted Shimer

Going Deeper: Battling Porn and Sexual Addiction with Eddie Capparucci

Everything Men Need to Know About Porn with J.K. Emezi

 


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Taking Care of Your Health, Body, and Mind with Marc Hildebrand

Marc Hildebrand

Marc Hildebrand is a husband, father, an LAPD Sergeant, and the creator of First Responder Fitness. He lost over 100 pounds and is in the best shape of his life at 43 years old. Marc is the founder of First Responder Fitness where he leads other First Responders to get in the best shape of their lives.

Marc decided to start taking care of his health after his first son was born. He blamed all the weight gain on the job and had been yo-yo dieting for years. After his son spent 73 days in the hospital, Marc had a mental breakdown and felt like he couldn’t show up for his kid. When he hit rock bottom, he realized that he had to change his mindset before anything else. If you have a never-give-up mindset, you can achieve anything in life, no matter what setbacks you may face. The point is to just keep going.

The question we have to answer as fathers is: “How can we do the best we can at our jobs, family, kids, but also do the work that makes us come alive?” The problem that comes with this question is self-sabotage; we often try to avoid putting in the work, so we sabotage ourselves by making excuses. However, in order for us to be the best husbands, fathers, business owners, and version of ourselves, we have to try things that we’ve never done before to become something we’ve never been. The way you do this is to surround yourself with like-minded people who have similar goals to you. They will act as your support and your motivation to become better and achieve your goals. They will help you change your mindset from making excuses to taking action.

What You’ll Learn: 

[4:47]

Mark introduces himself and how he lost over 100 pounds simply by changing his mindset.

[9:55]

Self sabotage can ruin your mindset.

[12:39]

Marc addresses the setbacks he faced while trying to lose 100 pounds. He also recalls becoming part of a group of like-minded people with the same goals that kept him accountable.

[15:45]

Marc recalls one of his mentors telling him, “Your outward success reflects your inner growth.”

[20:09]

Surrender of Ego – Mark talks about how most law enforcement officers have egos that are hard to let go of on the job. It prevents them from growing and doing the things they need to do. Mark recalls going to a police psychologist to help him overcome the tragedies he saw on the job.

[24:56]

Surrounding yourself with good people is the key to success, along with mindset.

[28:41]

Marc talks about the growth of his business and how the Dad Edge Accelerator has changed his business and his energy.

[34:34]

Marc talks about his resources. The best way to become successful is to partner up with the people who have already paved the way for you.

RELATED EPISODES:

Mindset-Driven Fitness with Marc Hildebrand

Secrets of the Navy SEAL Mindset: Courage, Confidence, Perseverance and Resilience

No Excuses Fatherhood with Wes Watson

 


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You Are More Than What You See with Darryll Stinson

Darryll Stinson

Darryll Stinson is a husband, father, former D1 athlete, motivational speaker, and founder of Second Chance Athletes. At a young age, Darryll had to take care of his younger sisters because his father was fairly absent in his life. Through custody battles and being teased at school, Darryll found sports which then became his identity.

After his career in sports ended, Darryll discovered his passion for helping former athletes find their identity after sports. It’s very common for athletes to use the sport that they play as a form of identity. However, Darryll is an advocate of identifying oneself with values, morals, or things you’re passionate about. After his mentor showed him this technique, he has been able to show others how to do the same.

Darryll reminds us that rejection can be used to thrust you into success. No one wants to be rejected, especially men. They even try to go out of their way to be accepted and receive affirmation. However, when we get rejected in life, it always points us in another direction that we never would have thought if we hadn’t been rejected.

“When you feel that moment of rejection, process that moment and make a better conclusion.” Instead of feeling inadequate or like the world is out to get you, recognize that it may be the other person’s insecurities that are driving their decision. Once you realize this, you can step back and come to a better conclusion that will leave you feeling content and secure in yourself.

What You’ll Learn: 

Humble Beginnings

[5:55]

Darryll recalls his childhood where his father wasn’t around much because he was a college athlete. He had to take care of his mother and his sisters so he was forced to grow up quickly.

[10:04]

Darryll recalls being teased for being the black kid that “talks and acts white.” He got rid of all his white friends and started living the street life.

[13:39]

Pride is just a mask that we put on so that we don’t have to deal with rejection.

[14:32]

Darryll was so driven to be good at sports because he didn’t want to be rejected. Without sports, he was afraid that people wouldn’t like him.

[15:03]

When your identity is attached to your activity, you make poor decisions. We identify who we are with what we do.

[15:48]

Start introducing yourself without telling people what your job is. We get so used to telling people what we do because we’re men and we’re providers – that’s what we identify with.

[22:50]

You don’t need to be more selfish, per se. You need to make time for yourself so that you can give more and make an impact.

[27:17]

Rejection vs projection.

[30:20]

When you feel that moment of rejection, process that moment and make a better conclusion.

[32:30]

Questions to ask to understand the difference between rejection and projection: Why? You can’t have emotional intelligence if you don’t process the emotions.

[36:45]

Darryll recalls his emotional intelligence in raising girls. Sometimes you don’t have to fix it; sometimes, you just have to sit with it.

[43:37]

Darryll talks about his new book Who Am I After Sports? : Athlete’s Roadmap to Discovering Purpose and Live Fulfilled. It’s for athletes who are trying to figure out who they are after their sports career ends. It talks about dealing with the transition.

[49:21]

Darryll recalls a pivotal moment in his life. “You are more than what you see.”

RELATED EPISODES:

7 Reasons Why Men Don’t Ask for Help

Emotional Intelligence Skills for Men with Dr. Nick Sotelo

Ultimate Mastery of Your Emotional State with Navy SEAL Andy Stumpf

 


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Darryll Stinson

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Three Types of Men & What They Mean

Three Types of Men & What They Mean

There are three types of men in this world and each category defines a specific stage of personal growth that each man experiences in their life. The first category is “the victim.” The victim is a type of man who blames his shortcomings and faults on outlying factors. For example, a victim might not show affection toward his wife and kids and then blame it on his parents not showing him any affection. This type of man will find proof to justify his actions and faults just to make himself feel better. For example, he may start eating healthy, go off on a food binge, and then blame it on the fact that he has never been able to eat healthy.

The “content zombie” is the next stage of personal development. This is the stage where the man recognizes he needs to make a change before his marriage or his relationship with his kids falls apart. He reads all of the podcasts, articles, goes to conferences, gets counseling – the works. The only issue with this stage is that there is no action. The content zombie has acquired all of the information necessary to change his life, yet hasn’t taken the action to execute it yet.

The last phase of personal development, and the phase that men should spend the largest portion of their time in is the “executor phase.” This is the stage where the man has finally begun to take some action and uses accountability to keep him honest. For example, you have begun asking your wife insightful questions about your relationship such as, “What are some things I do that make you feel the most loved?” You not only ask her this question, but you also have an accountability partner that you relay this outcome with so that you can stay on top of the development process.

There comes a point in your life when you have to make a choice. You have to decide that if you died today, what kind of legacy would you leave in your wife and children. Would they carry on that legacy into their lives? Would you have made an impact that would carry on through the generations? If you said no to any of these questions, it’s time to make a choice. Do you go on living your life? Or, do you make a choice and decide to live legendary?

 

What You’ll Learn: 

Three Types of Men

[2:27]

There are three types of men and each category represents a specific stage in personal development.

[3:51]

The Victim

[10:18]

Content Zombie

[13:11]

The Executor

[16:47]

Staying in Camp 3

[18:32]

What camp are you living in right now?

RELATED EPISODES:

Finding Your Identity Through Defining Moments with Ilan Muallem

Emotional Intelligence Skills for Men with Dr. Nick Sotelo

Marriage Skills for Men


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Inheritance is Temporary, Legacy is Forever with John Ramstead

John Ramstead

John Ramstead is a husband, father, entrepreneur, and author of On Purpose, With Purpose. Ramstead knew from a young age that he wanted to be a pilot. However, when he got to college and was enrolled in the ROTC program, he never believed that he had what it took to be a pilot. After an inspiring talk with his father, John decided that he was going to take aviation classes and become a pilot. Throughout his studies, John had a mentor that held him accountable and challenged him to be the best that he could be. Ramstead finished first in his graduating class and got to pick the plane of his choice.

After John retired from the Navy, he became an entrepreneur and founded the company Beyond Influence. In 2011, John encountered an accident that would alter the course of his life forever. During a work retreat, John was riding on a horse that bucked him off and sent him straight into a steel pipe, shattering his skull. The doctors told his wife and kids to fill out a living will because he was not going to make it. During his time in the hospital, the Lord spoke to John and told him that he would heal him. From that moment on, John decided to save the relationship with his wife and children and become the husband and father he was meant to be.

Marriage is all about skill. You can’t just walk in and expect to wing it on the first try; it takes patience, practice, and most importantly – SKILL. Having a healthy relationship with your kids works the same way too. It’s not about getting them to be on their best behavior, it’s about bringing out the best in them, no matter if it’s different than how you imagined. When John was near the end of his life, he discovered that it’s not about what you leave for your family, it’s about what you leave in them. That is the difference between inheritance and legacy – legacy is forever, inheritance is temporary.

What You’ll Learn: 

Problems in Marriage

[8:29]

John talks about how his marriage wasn’t good and how his actions created tension that would later lead to some difficult conversations.

John’s Career as a Naval Pilot

[17:34]

During college, John studied to be an engineer and spent a month on a submarine. Always had a dream to be a pilot since he was a little kid. He had to change his perception of his self image. 

The Importance of Mentorship

[21:35]

Find people that do what you want to do and learn from them. Make them hold you accountable so that you can be successful.

[24:40]

We’re all in a competition called life. However, if we try to help each other rather than trample each other, we will build much better relationships.

John’s Accident Circa 2011

[26:53]

Started a company in 2011. Went on a retreat in Montana and got into an accident while riding a horse.

[38:10]

The Lord spoke to John and said, “All things work together for good for those that love the Lord” and told him that he was going to heal John.

Inheritance and Legacy

[42:10]

As his family was preparing for his funeral, John started thinking about inheritance, which quickly turned into legacy. John recalls thinking about the kind of legacy he would be leaving if he died. He questioned what he had left in his wife and his children, rather than what he left for them.

Second Chances

[43:20]

John realized he had been given a second chance. What does success look like in fatherhood? He had to become a better version of himself.

Purposeful Love Specific to Each Child

[49:55]

As fathers, we need to slow down individually and understand how we’re wired. Using self-awareness helped John to see each one of his kids more clearly.

[57:07]

On becoming a coach, John recalls how important it is to ask questions and listen. Also, taking what a person has said to them, rephrasing it, and feeding it back to them in a way they can understand. Do it from a place of curiosity, not judgment.

[58:48]

John shares examples of how he overcame anger in order to listen to his son’s needs.

RELATED EPISODES:

A Dad Legacy – 4 Lessons of Life

Creating A Legacy That Inspires with Armando Cruz

Strong Men, Strong Marriages with Dr. Mike Frazier


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