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sex life

HOW TO IMMEDIATELY SPICE UP YOUR SEX LIFE AS A NEW DAD

This is a guest post by Allon Khakshouri of Business-dad.com

Enjoying a healthy sex life is a key ingredient to a thriving marriage. At the same time it is the one topic very few parents dare talk about, often leading to lots of frustration and anger to already challenged relationships.

 

Sex is so important because it is what makes you and your spouse more than just roommates. It requires you both to speak about the kind of intimate and emotional things that create a deeper sense of connection than you have with anyone else and helps strengthen trust between partners.

 

But lets face it: Becoming a dad triggers so many changes it can feel overwhelming: sleepless nights, endless fights and new responsibilities are just some of the challenges we all face and that can make sex quite unappealing. I remember how relieved I was knowing that my wife would need a few weeks to fully recover before she would request me to demonstrate my love making skills. I was sure that this would allow me to get adjusted to being a dad so that by the time my wife would be ready, I would feel revitalised and hungry for sex.

 

However, something strange happened: The more time that passed without having sex, the less I craved for it. Suddenly I felt concerned and unmanly: Was something wrong with me and our relationship?

I guess I was not the first to have such thoughts

 

According to studies conducted by the Relationship Research Institute in Seattle, two thirds of marriages suffer a serious decline in their relationship satisfaction within the first three years of becoming parents. And the biggest victims of unhappy couples are the babies– two decades of research have shown that marital conflict is bad for babies and can affect their social and academic skills later on in life.

 

As John Gottman says:

 

“When there is a precipitous decline in relationship satisfaction and an increase in hostility, it transfers to the baby and affects the baby.”

 

And definitely the combination of having an unsatisfactory sex life and not speaking openly about it, is a big warning sign that the relationship is in trouble. So if you love your baby and you are committed to improving your relationship, addressing your sex life is a great place to start.

 

But let’s be honest: Feeling uncomfortable about becoming too physical after welcoming your baby is normal and especially common in the first few months after a mom gives birth. Since nobody dares to speak about their lack of sex, both husbands and wives start doubting themselves: Men lose confidence and feel rejected, while their spouses  feel unattractive, unwanted and unsexy. As a result, sex becomes another trigger for more conflicts and disputes, often enhancing arguments that are already evolving from role changes, lifestyle adjustments and even financial tensions.

 

YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY MAN WHO DIDN’T HAVE MUCH SEX LATELY!

 

What most of us don’t realize is that almost every couple struggles with intimacy after having their first baby. There are all sorts of reasons for this:

 

Initially, we need to give our partner time to physically recover. But when we stop hooking up with our partner, testosterone levels drop, which is why many men tend to crave less for sex. Women on the other hand feel touched out by their babies–and let’s face it– they suddenly transform from sexy studs into a supermoms. Add the fact that couples feel tired and exhausted, and it becomes apparent why so many of us experience longer periods of sexual abstinence.

 

Unfortunately, when we stop having sex for longer periods of time, we become lazy. We care less about how we look, ignore seduction attempts by our partner and over time even withdraw from her altogether. This is how so many dads end up feeling isolated and rejected when witnessing their wives spending so much time with their little one.

 

I remember how right after the birth of our son, it was extremely difficult for me to become intimate again. We were both feeling quite irritable and tired so it just didn’t seem right. Luckily I had the courage to speak to other couples about their relationships and realized that we are all in the same boat! Just because we argue more often, feel more exhausted and less sexy, does not mean something is wrong with our marriage. We sometimes forget we have just added a new person into our lives, and that takes some adjustments.

 

And if you haven’t had sex for a while, you are not alone. I met couples who needed weeks, others months and some even years to get back into their normal lovemaking routines. Don’t get me wrong– I am not advocating to accept having a poor sex life. To the contrary, what I am saying is that it is your responsibility to get out of your comfort zone and spice up your marriage, and in a minute I will tell you how. My point is that too many couples give up on their relationship way too quickly, whether they get divorced or simply live together feeling disillusioned and unhappy.

 

WARM UP YOUR RELATIONSHIP IMMEDIATELY

 

Let me tell you what I did when I realized that we needed to prioritize intimacy. Instead of panicking, I decided to work on our relationship and use the birth of our boy as an opportunity to upgrade our relationship, deepen our communication and reviving our sex life.

 

We started by integrating these simple practices into our life so that having regular sex would become much easier:

 

  • 7-8 hours Sleep You may think it is impossible. I did too. However, I made a few adjustments that made all the difference. I now go to sleep by latest 10pm on normal weekdays, and have a nighttime ritual that includes a soothing shower, no TV-and phone time at least an hour before going to sleep, that spending at least 30 minutes of quality time with my wife. These steps have made all the difference because it is hard to jumpstart your libido when you feel tired.

 

  • Speaking Time. As I mentioned above, my wife and I spend some time together before going to sleep. But even just 10 minutes of talking time will give you both have the opportunity to express feelings, needs and desires. Once you both reconnect again emotionally, good sex will follow.

 

  • Becoming More Physical. We have always been quite a physical couple. However, as parents we needed to redefine sex to include more than just penetration. My wife and I now use every opportunity to hug, kiss and cuddle together, and it triggers instant pleasure every time.

 

  • Flirting: This is something we forgot in the first 1-2 weeks after the birth of our son. But it’s amazing how just a few words can make such a difference. I try and surprise my wife every few days with a very thoughtful text message, a hidden note that she may find at a random moment, or by sending her flowers with a handwritten card, and every single time these little surprises make her glow from joy.

 

  • Asking Questions. I wanted to find out how it felt for my wife to be a mom, what her biggest struggles were, what she was dreaming about for the future, and what her deepest desires looked like. She reciprocated by asking me about how this change of becoming a dad felt like. These moments of sharing were extremely bonding,

 

  • Listening. Sometimes women just want to be heard, so I really made an effort to become more patient and try and relive the words that my wife was sharing. By learning to empathize with your partner and all she goes through, you will instantly become her superhero again.

 

RITUALIZE INTIMATE TIME TOGETHER AS SOON AS POSSIBLE

 

Of course, some things will work better for you than others. And it is up to you to fine tune the details. But they will definitely help you rekindle our relationship. I see these actions as a kind of foreplay that needs to be in place before addressing our sex lives.

 

However, if you are serious about spicing up your love life, you need to have regular sex. So how can you do that, now that you are busier than ever with a whole family to take care of?

 

Well, here is the thing. Like with other areas in your life, it all comes down to creating habits that help you live the lifestyle you want. This doesn’t need to be too difficult, but it takes consistency. Like going to the gym, starting a new hobby, or waking up earlier, every beginning or new start is a bit more difficult. However, once we overcome the initial resistance, we start finding joy in our new behavior.

 

In the same way, it is essential to create routines of spending intimate moments together. The trick that really made all the difference to us was scheduling our time together in the same way we schedule anything else. Initially that meant planning the day, time and place that we would spend some quality time together in advance.

 

Yes, I know this sounds premeditated and unromantic.  However, it works wonders, because only by ritualizing time for ourselves, do we build up the kind of stamina that allows us to overcome all the obstacles that can make intimacy so difficult for new parents. Even an hour per week can make all the difference. I remember how my wife and I used to find excuses all the time why not to have sex, until we made sex become an integral part of our lifestyle again that we both crave for.

 

By scheduling your time together, you can address any obstacles that could distract you both from enjoying your time together. For example, you may want to leave your baby with your parents and create the kind of romantic setting that will allow your wife and yourself to switch off from everything else that is going on in your life.

 

HOW TO HAVE AMAZING SEX LIFE

 

So now that you know about the importance to intimate time together, let me share with you 6 tips that will help you regain a vibrant sex life without any further delay:

 

  • Avoid feeling pressurized: During your time together, be romantic and have fun, without experiencing the need to have full-blown sex. Teasing and taunting each other with kisses, massages and anything else that pleases both of you qualifies as intimate time.

 

  • Have date nights together: If you can, add weekly date nights for the two of you to enjoy quality moments together. This is your time alone together, to experience a romantic ambience and to become real lovers again. The quicker you start with this, the easier it will be to revive your sex life.

 

  • Create a romantic atmosphere: Small details like candle lights and clean sheets can make your time together more bonding and fun. Stimulate the senses by using aroma sticks for a pleasant smell, and playing sensual music.

 

  • Be flexible: Scheduling intimate time in advance may sound premeditated. But there is room for some creativity as to when, where and how you both engage with each other. For example, I often feel exhausted in the evenings, my wife and I enjoy planning our time together on weekends that our son is with my parents, so we have time for ourselves in the afternoon. Also be open minded and experiment what gives you both joy and pleasure.

 

  • Be a giver: Focus on making your wife feel desired and attractive, and giving her the kind of joy that will make her want to reciprocate. By treating her like your queen, you will soon become a true king.

 

  • Clear your head: It can be hard to switch off from distractions like thinking about your business, your kids, or anything else that is circulating your mind. However, try to make this your “us time”, and commit to being fully present, playful and open with your partner.  The more you can do this, the better and more fun your sex life will become.

 

You will discover that spending time together in this kind of intimate setting will help you both communicate more openly, share both vulnerabilities and desires and create a deeper more trusting connection between each other. You will find out that this kind of intimacy is the bread and butter for better sex.

 

The best part is that once you have rekindled your sex life, other areas of your relationship will improve as well. You will feel more confident, happy and energized. All of a sudden, being a dad will become the most enjoyable time of your life!

RESOURCES

==>NEW!!<== Grab a copy of The Dad’s Edge AUDIOBOOK on iTunes or Audible

GRAB A COPY OF THE DAD’S EDGE HERE

Join our Dad Edge Group on Facebook Request Entry Here

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Get a free chapter from: THE DAD’S EDGE on UNLIMITED PATIENCE HERE

Check out this free resource on: CONNECTION WITH YOUR SPOUSE

Check out this free resource on:  CONNECTION WITH YOUR KIDS

Links

If you are interested to learn more about how you can become a true Business Dad who combines professional success with becoming a super engaged and loving dad, visit www.business-dad.com

 

courage

How to Feed Your Courage and Starve Your Fear

COURAGE is something every dad needs more of…the question becomes:  “How do we develop more of it?”

We can’t out run stress. It’s simply a fact of our daily lives. The idea that we “eliminate” stress from our life sounds great, but that means cutting out the parts that are most meaningful. Think about it: the parts of our lives that make us who we really are come from areas that bring stress: our work, our kids, our significant others. These aren’t “bad” stressors, but they are part of our lives. It’s not a matter of cutting these areas out, but a matter of how we handle them.

 

Always Darkest Before the Dawn

 

Truth. All too often, we get caught up in the negativity of our circumstances and fail to see what good might actually come out of them. Our mind will take us where we lead it. If we choose to ask questions like “why did this happen to me?” or “what did I do to deserve this?” we certainly will find ourselves at the end of a self-destructive spiral of pity and self-loathing. Yuck, we’ve all been there. But, if we choose instead to view a circumstance from a state of abundance instead of scarcity, we just might see that our “negative” circumstances have a lot to teach us.

 

What are You Feeding?

 

Our attitude about stress is all about what we choose to feed: fear or courage. We’ve talked about feeding the Fear or the Courage Wolf before and this is exactly what we have been encouraging. Choosing to nurture the Courage Wolf through affirmation statements gives us the strength to get through the circumstance and persevere. Whereas feeding the Fear Wolf only strengthens our stress, making us anxious and eventually paralyzing us from taking any positive action.

 

Choosing the Statement

 

It doesn’t have to be complicated. A simple phrase like, “I’ve got this” in moments of even the greatest doubts will trigger our minds to think in a state of positive action. Navy Seals even use these statements to get through their most difficult moments in training and the field (see the Mark Divine episode for more!). Like anything in life, how we confront stress is how our mind and body will respond. What it boils down to is the fact that we simply don’t give our minds enough credit for what they are really capable of.

 

It’s About the Questions

 

And what it also comes down to are the questions we ask ourselves. Really, how positive is it to ask ourselves, “what did I do to get here?”. After this question, your mind will tell you EXACTLY what you did to get “here”. Because our minds go where we ask them to go, we tend to lead them down a negative path with this line of questioning. A better, more positive question might be, “what can I learn from this event?”. Through this type of questioning we will find ourselves better poised to handle whatever the stressor might be and learn from it for the next time around.

 

We’ve just touched the surface here. Knowing that we, as men, face the societal challenge to be strong and unbending, we tend to shy away from anything that others might perceive as “weak”. But instead of suffering in silence from these stressors, learning to reprogram how we deal with them will only strengthen our relationships and better our lives.

Resources:

GRAB A COPY OF THE DAD’S EDGE HERE

Check out our Dad Edge Group on Facebook Request Entry Here

We have new Dad Edge T-Shirts!  Grab one HERE

Check out a free chapter from: THE DAD’S EDGE on UNLIMITED PATIENCE HERE

Check out this free resource on: CONNECTION WITH YOUR SPOUSE

Check out this free resource on:  CONNECTION WITH YOUR KIDS

Links

 THE FLOW CHART MENTIONED

courage

dangers of being bullied

The Dangers of Being Bullied and What You Can Do to Stop It – GDP024

Episode Overview:

Are you a parent of a child who is being bullied?  Has your child come to you with complaints of being bullied at school or even online through social media?  The dangers of being bullied are so common in our society and the impact can be life-altering.  If you suspect your child is a victim, you will want to listen to this episode featuring Tina Meier.

Key Takeaways:

Learn how to talk to your kids about being bullied

Discover the questions to ask

Why it is so critical to listen to our kids when they come to us about being bullied even if we feel it might not be a big deal

Learn how to help your kids protect themselves from being bullied

The dangers of being bullied and how you can help your kids deal with their emotions

The Fatal Dangers of Being Bullied

On October 16, 2006, Tina Meier’s life took a devastating turn when her 13 year-old daughter, Megan Taylor Meier, took her own life after being cyberbullied by an adult neighbor.  In December of 2007, Tina Meier founded the Megan Meier Foundation, a nonprofit whose mission is to promote awareness, education and positive change in response to the issues surrounding bullying, cyberbullying and suicide.

Tina worked closely with Senator Scott Rupp and Governor Matt Blunt’s Internet Task Force for the State of Missouri to help pass Senate Bill 818, which amended the harassment and stalking laws to include electronic communication in August of 2008.

Tina has spread the Foundation’s message and Megan’s story through national and international media appearances, including network television stations, radio, newsmagazines and syndicated talk shows.  She accepted a Presidential invitation to attend the 2011 White House Anti-Bullying Conference, presented at the U.S. Department of Education’s Safe and Drug Free Schools National Conference in Washington, DC and served as a consultant during the production of the ABC Family movie, “Cyberbully.”

Today, Tina continues to travel throughout the country educating youth, parents, educators and professionals on the dangers of being bullied and the consequences associated with the harmful effects of bullying and cyberbullying.

How Parents Can Help Their Kids

Has your child ever come to you and told you they are being bullied?  How did you respond?  If you are like most parents, you probably told them something like:

“Don’t worry about what they think, just ignore them and they will go away.”

“Sweetheart, you know those things they are saying about you are not true.  You are beautiful and amazing.  Don’t listen to them.”

We immediately want to tell them what to do and how to handle it.  A lot of times we don’t take the time to ask about their feelings.  At times we don’t give them the freedom to just vent about the situation and share their concerns.  Our reaction is to go into “protection mode” and give instruction on how to handle it.

However, Tina shares why it is so important for us to do more listening and less talking when it comes to communicating with our kids about being bullied.  When it comes to the dangers of being bullied, it is absolutely critical that we give our kids the permission to vent and express their feelings instead of immediately telling them how to handle it.

Role Play

Tina tells us that the best strategy is to first give your child permission to openly vent about the situation and to make sure their voices are being heard.  As parents, we need to validate their feelings.  Me must seek to understand them first.  Once we have done that, we can then help them with different strategies to handle the situation.  In this episode, Tina shares several examples to help parents.  One powerful tip in particular was to role play with your child.  Put them in a practice situation and help them with their word choice.

Warning signs your kids are being bullied

Tina shares some specific examples of what to look for if your child is not openly talking to you.

  • Not Eating
  • Overeating
  • No interest in family gatherings
  • Child wants to spend more time in their room and by themselves
  • Lost interest in sports or social time with friends
  • #1 Sign of being bullied is a sudden drop in grades

Free Resources:

Check out a free chapter from: THE DAD’S EDGE on UNLIMITED PATIENCE HERE

Check out this free resource on: CONNECTION WITH YOUR SPOUSE

Check out this free resource on:  CONNECTION WITH YOUR KIDS

Links

 

Tina Meier’s Links:

  • Email: tina@meganmeierfoundation.org
  • Website: www.meganmeierfoundation.org
  • Facebook Link: https://www.facebook.com/meganmeierfoundation
  • Twitter Link: https://twitter.com/MeganMeierFndn
  • Instagram Link: @meganmeierfoundation
  • LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/tinameier/li>

 

Books Mentioned In This Episode

STRONG FATHERS, STRONG DAUGHTERS

Thank You!

Thank you so much for checking out this episode of The Good Dad Project. If you haven’t done so already, please take a minute to subscribe and leave a quick rating and review of the show on iTunes by clicking on the link below. It will help us to keep delivering life-changing information for you every week!

Health Tips For Dads

Health Tips For Dads – GDP002

Get tips on how to live a healthy lifestyle in this episode of The Good Dad Project.  As Men our bodies need certain nutrients to allow us to show up to life fully. As we age this need increases. Shawn happens to be the host of the largest health podcast in the world and knows what he’s talking about.  So listen closely to his tips to find out how to increase your energy, lose a few extra pounds and even increase your libido.  This episode gives you all your body needs to be a Dad on Purpose.

Perfect Supplements, our Good Dad Project Sponsor

Thank You!

Thank you so much for checking out this episode of The Good Dad Project. If you haven’t done so already, please take a minute to subscribe and leave a quick rating and review of the show on iTunes by clicking on the link below. It will help us to keep delivering life-changing information for you every week!

3 Ways To Improve Connecting With Your Kids – GDP001

“3 Ways to Improve Connecting with Your Kids” Episode Overview

Larry Hagner and Shawn Stevenson talk about three ways to improve connecting with your kids. Listen as Shawn and Larry share their background and talk about what led them to coming together to create The Good Dad Project: Teaching men to strive to be better every day, living with purpose, on purpose.

Key Take-Aways

Larry and Shawn share their personal stories and experiences growing up without biological fathers nor solid, stable father figures throughout their childhood and adolescence. Growing up with similar backgrounds, Shawn and Larry come together with amazing perspectives on what our kids are really looking for from their dads. Larry and Shawn share their insights, strategies, and three tips to improve connecting with your children and partners.

The Pendulum Effect

Life is a large growing process full of learning experiences and lessons that help shape us into the people are today. Our earliest teachers are our parents. Particularly through our interactions and relationships with parents, we realize for ourselves what to do and what not to do — we learn through modeled behavior. We can either become like our parents or the complete opposite of them. By choosing whether or not to incorporate personality traits and behavior characteristics, striving to be the best version of ourselves, we can learn strategies and tips to become better parents to our own children, better life partners, and better in our other relationships. Just like the instructions about using oxygen masks on airplanes in emergencies: There’s nothing selfish about filling up your tank first, self care, before giving to others. You and your relationships deserve the best version of you.

Tip #1: Disconnecting Mentally & Emotionally from Your Workday

Have you ever pulled up in your driveway at the end of the day feeling stressed and burned out from your work? The trouble with that is that we can’t give 100% or the best version of ourselves, our peak energy state, to our children and life partner — you have nothing left but the leftover “stuff” to give. What do you do?

You mentally, physically, emotionally prep, much like a comparison to getting ready for playing in a sporting event or going in for a big job interview. Go through the motions of what you’re going to do and how you’re going to do it. Instead of going on autopilot, realize you can change the way you think and feel before you walk through the door of your home. Make the decision to do something different.

Here are two strategies Larry and Shawn share:

  • Take 1-5 minutes in your car when you arrive home or the last 5-10 minutes of your commute to spend thinking about what your evening or day will look like when you walk in the door. Visualize how you will greet your kids and partner.
  • Listen to something positive on your way home, instead of the news (or “the blues”). It could be some uplifting, inspiring music — or even this podcast. Music stimulates bioelectrical vibrational waves in our brains that can help affect mood. Saturate yourself with something that makes you feel good, empowered, and reconnect with coming home as the best part of your day.

Tip #2: Do Something to Change Everyone Else’s State

After you walk in the door, greet the members of your family with a high five or a hug and a kiss. The joy of connecting with kids can especially be seen when you have a young child — the excitement and happiness they have when you come home. Proactively do something fun or funny, a little crazy or silly, and interesting. Turn up the music and dance. Wrestle with your kids or fling them around. These acts release endorphins and perks the rest of home up. Greeting your loved ones also helps set the mood for the rest of the night after you come home.

Tip #3: Disconnect from Technology

Disconnect from texting, emails, social media, screen time when you arrive home. Unplug yourself from the hours of 5-9 or 7-9 at night, unless it’s an emergency. Instead, spend that time with your family. Have an agreement with your loved ones that you all will not be on your mobile devices or computers for a set amount of time each evening. One way to keep this new habit consistently practiced is to turn your phone off (or put it on silent) and not keep it right on or by yourself. Create a technology-free environment in your home by training to use electronic devices at certain times.

According to a Rensselaer Polytechnic study, using a mobile device or computer just 2 hours before bed is enough to drastically suppress your melatonin secretion. Do you wake up tired? Melatonin is a hormone that aids in sleep and is important to have a proper wake-sleep cycle. Not only that, but the constant notifications, especially when we’re trying to sleep gives us a dopamine hit, which wakes us up and keeps us mentally alert for longer — and makes it harder for us to fall asleep and have a good rest. You can also pre-diagnose how and where your relationships are going to go by observing when and how often someone uses technology. Have you ever been on a date with someone new, and afterwards could only seem to recall the high number of times your date was on her/his phone? Have you ever seen a family who were all on their devices at once for a long period of time, and then wondered how well, if at all, they actually communicated with one another face-to-face? Be considerate and remember you’re modeling behavior for your children. Learn how to keep technology in its proper place: We have to use our electronic devices and don’t let them use us.

Free Resources:

Check out a free chapter from: THE DAD’S EDGE on UNLIMITED PATIENCE HERE

Check out this free resource on: CONNECTION WITH YOUR SPOUSE

Check out this free resource on:  CONNECTION WITH YOUR KIDS

Links

Perfect Supplements, our Good Dad Project Sponsor

Thank You!

Thank you so much for checking out this episode of The Good Dad Project. If you haven’t done so already, please take a minute to subscribe and leave a quick rating and review of the show on iTunes by clicking on the link below. It will help us to keep delivering life-changing information for you every week!