Posts

sex life

HOW TO IMMEDIATELY SPICE UP YOUR SEX LIFE AS A NEW DAD

This is a guest post by Allon Khakshouri of Business-dad.com

Enjoying a healthy sex life is a key ingredient to a thriving marriage. At the same time it is the one topic very few parents dare talk about, often leading to lots of frustration and anger to already challenged relationships.

 

Sex is so important because it is what makes you and your spouse more than just roommates. It requires you both to speak about the kind of intimate and emotional things that create a deeper sense of connection than you have with anyone else and helps strengthen trust between partners.

 

But lets face it: Becoming a dad triggers so many changes it can feel overwhelming: sleepless nights, endless fights and new responsibilities are just some of the challenges we all face and that can make sex quite unappealing. I remember how relieved I was knowing that my wife would need a few weeks to fully recover before she would request me to demonstrate my love making skills. I was sure that this would allow me to get adjusted to being a dad so that by the time my wife would be ready, I would feel revitalised and hungry for sex.

 

However, something strange happened: The more time that passed without having sex, the less I craved for it. Suddenly I felt concerned and unmanly: Was something wrong with me and our relationship?

I guess I was not the first to have such thoughts

 

According to studies conducted by the Relationship Research Institute in Seattle, two thirds of marriages suffer a serious decline in their relationship satisfaction within the first three years of becoming parents. And the biggest victims of unhappy couples are the babies– two decades of research have shown that marital conflict is bad for babies and can affect their social and academic skills later on in life.

 

As John Gottman says:

 

“When there is a precipitous decline in relationship satisfaction and an increase in hostility, it transfers to the baby and affects the baby.”

 

And definitely the combination of having an unsatisfactory sex life and not speaking openly about it, is a big warning sign that the relationship is in trouble. So if you love your baby and you are committed to improving your relationship, addressing your sex life is a great place to start.

 

But let’s be honest: Feeling uncomfortable about becoming too physical after welcoming your baby is normal and especially common in the first few months after a mom gives birth. Since nobody dares to speak about their lack of sex, both husbands and wives start doubting themselves: Men lose confidence and feel rejected, while their spouses  feel unattractive, unwanted and unsexy. As a result, sex becomes another trigger for more conflicts and disputes, often enhancing arguments that are already evolving from role changes, lifestyle adjustments and even financial tensions.

 

YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY MAN WHO DIDN’T HAVE MUCH SEX LATELY!

 

What most of us don’t realize is that almost every couple struggles with intimacy after having their first baby. There are all sorts of reasons for this:

 

Initially, we need to give our partner time to physically recover. But when we stop hooking up with our partner, testosterone levels drop, which is why many men tend to crave less for sex. Women on the other hand feel touched out by their babies–and let’s face it– they suddenly transform from sexy studs into a supermoms. Add the fact that couples feel tired and exhausted, and it becomes apparent why so many of us experience longer periods of sexual abstinence.

 

Unfortunately, when we stop having sex for longer periods of time, we become lazy. We care less about how we look, ignore seduction attempts by our partner and over time even withdraw from her altogether. This is how so many dads end up feeling isolated and rejected when witnessing their wives spending so much time with their little one.

 

I remember how right after the birth of our son, it was extremely difficult for me to become intimate again. We were both feeling quite irritable and tired so it just didn’t seem right. Luckily I had the courage to speak to other couples about their relationships and realized that we are all in the same boat! Just because we argue more often, feel more exhausted and less sexy, does not mean something is wrong with our marriage. We sometimes forget we have just added a new person into our lives, and that takes some adjustments.

 

And if you haven’t had sex for a while, you are not alone. I met couples who needed weeks, others months and some even years to get back into their normal lovemaking routines. Don’t get me wrong– I am not advocating to accept having a poor sex life. To the contrary, what I am saying is that it is your responsibility to get out of your comfort zone and spice up your marriage, and in a minute I will tell you how. My point is that too many couples give up on their relationship way too quickly, whether they get divorced or simply live together feeling disillusioned and unhappy.

 

WARM UP YOUR RELATIONSHIP IMMEDIATELY

 

Let me tell you what I did when I realized that we needed to prioritize intimacy. Instead of panicking, I decided to work on our relationship and use the birth of our boy as an opportunity to upgrade our relationship, deepen our communication and reviving our sex life.

 

We started by integrating these simple practices into our life so that having regular sex would become much easier:

 

  • 7-8 hours Sleep You may think it is impossible. I did too. However, I made a few adjustments that made all the difference. I now go to sleep by latest 10pm on normal weekdays, and have a nighttime ritual that includes a soothing shower, no TV-and phone time at least an hour before going to sleep, that spending at least 30 minutes of quality time with my wife. These steps have made all the difference because it is hard to jumpstart your libido when you feel tired.

 

  • Speaking Time. As I mentioned above, my wife and I spend some time together before going to sleep. But even just 10 minutes of talking time will give you both have the opportunity to express feelings, needs and desires. Once you both reconnect again emotionally, good sex will follow.

 

  • Becoming More Physical. We have always been quite a physical couple. However, as parents we needed to redefine sex to include more than just penetration. My wife and I now use every opportunity to hug, kiss and cuddle together, and it triggers instant pleasure every time.

 

  • Flirting: This is something we forgot in the first 1-2 weeks after the birth of our son. But it’s amazing how just a few words can make such a difference. I try and surprise my wife every few days with a very thoughtful text message, a hidden note that she may find at a random moment, or by sending her flowers with a handwritten card, and every single time these little surprises make her glow from joy.

 

  • Asking Questions. I wanted to find out how it felt for my wife to be a mom, what her biggest struggles were, what she was dreaming about for the future, and what her deepest desires looked like. She reciprocated by asking me about how this change of becoming a dad felt like. These moments of sharing were extremely bonding,

 

  • Listening. Sometimes women just want to be heard, so I really made an effort to become more patient and try and relive the words that my wife was sharing. By learning to empathize with your partner and all she goes through, you will instantly become her superhero again.

 

RITUALIZE INTIMATE TIME TOGETHER AS SOON AS POSSIBLE

 

Of course, some things will work better for you than others. And it is up to you to fine tune the details. But they will definitely help you rekindle our relationship. I see these actions as a kind of foreplay that needs to be in place before addressing our sex lives.

 

However, if you are serious about spicing up your love life, you need to have regular sex. So how can you do that, now that you are busier than ever with a whole family to take care of?

 

Well, here is the thing. Like with other areas in your life, it all comes down to creating habits that help you live the lifestyle you want. This doesn’t need to be too difficult, but it takes consistency. Like going to the gym, starting a new hobby, or waking up earlier, every beginning or new start is a bit more difficult. However, once we overcome the initial resistance, we start finding joy in our new behavior.

 

In the same way, it is essential to create routines of spending intimate moments together. The trick that really made all the difference to us was scheduling our time together in the same way we schedule anything else. Initially that meant planning the day, time and place that we would spend some quality time together in advance.

 

Yes, I know this sounds premeditated and unromantic.  However, it works wonders, because only by ritualizing time for ourselves, do we build up the kind of stamina that allows us to overcome all the obstacles that can make intimacy so difficult for new parents. Even an hour per week can make all the difference. I remember how my wife and I used to find excuses all the time why not to have sex, until we made sex become an integral part of our lifestyle again that we both crave for.

 

By scheduling your time together, you can address any obstacles that could distract you both from enjoying your time together. For example, you may want to leave your baby with your parents and create the kind of romantic setting that will allow your wife and yourself to switch off from everything else that is going on in your life.

 

HOW TO HAVE AMAZING SEX LIFE

 

So now that you know about the importance to intimate time together, let me share with you 6 tips that will help you regain a vibrant sex life without any further delay:

 

  • Avoid feeling pressurized: During your time together, be romantic and have fun, without experiencing the need to have full-blown sex. Teasing and taunting each other with kisses, massages and anything else that pleases both of you qualifies as intimate time.

 

  • Have date nights together: If you can, add weekly date nights for the two of you to enjoy quality moments together. This is your time alone together, to experience a romantic ambience and to become real lovers again. The quicker you start with this, the easier it will be to revive your sex life.

 

  • Create a romantic atmosphere: Small details like candle lights and clean sheets can make your time together more bonding and fun. Stimulate the senses by using aroma sticks for a pleasant smell, and playing sensual music.

 

  • Be flexible: Scheduling intimate time in advance may sound premeditated. But there is room for some creativity as to when, where and how you both engage with each other. For example, I often feel exhausted in the evenings, my wife and I enjoy planning our time together on weekends that our son is with my parents, so we have time for ourselves in the afternoon. Also be open minded and experiment what gives you both joy and pleasure.

 

  • Be a giver: Focus on making your wife feel desired and attractive, and giving her the kind of joy that will make her want to reciprocate. By treating her like your queen, you will soon become a true king.

 

  • Clear your head: It can be hard to switch off from distractions like thinking about your business, your kids, or anything else that is circulating your mind. However, try to make this your “us time”, and commit to being fully present, playful and open with your partner.  The more you can do this, the better and more fun your sex life will become.

 

You will discover that spending time together in this kind of intimate setting will help you both communicate more openly, share both vulnerabilities and desires and create a deeper more trusting connection between each other. You will find out that this kind of intimacy is the bread and butter for better sex.

 

The best part is that once you have rekindled your sex life, other areas of your relationship will improve as well. You will feel more confident, happy and energized. All of a sudden, being a dad will become the most enjoyable time of your life!

RESOURCES

==>NEW!!<== Grab a copy of The Dad’s Edge AUDIOBOOK on iTunes or Audible

GRAB A COPY OF THE DAD’S EDGE HERE

Join our Dad Edge Group on Facebook Request Entry Here

We have new Dad Edge T-Shirts!  Grab one HERE

Get a free chapter from: THE DAD’S EDGE on UNLIMITED PATIENCE HERE

Check out this free resource on: CONNECTION WITH YOUR SPOUSE

Check out this free resource on:  CONNECTION WITH YOUR KIDS

Links

If you are interested to learn more about how you can become a true Business Dad who combines professional success with becoming a super engaged and loving dad, visit www.business-dad.com

 

veteran fathers

Honoring Our Veteran Fathers

Veteran Fathers have a special place in our heart.

For this show, it is just a THANK YOU from the Good Dad Project to our men (especially dads) and women who defend our country.  THANK YOU for putting your life on the line and defending the freedoms that we enjoy.

Thank you for all you do!  Thank you for your service!

Larry Hagner

 

RESOURCES

==>NEW!!<== Grab a copy of The Dad’s Edge AUDIOBOOK on iTunes or Audible

GRAB A COPY OF THE DAD’S EDGE HERE

Check out our Dad Edge Group on Facebook Request Entry Here

We have new Dad Edge T-Shirts!  Grab one HERE

Check out a free chapter from: THE DAD’S EDGE on UNLIMITED PATIENCE HERE

Check out this free resource on: CONNECTION WITH YOUR SPOUSE

Check out this free resource on:  CONNECTION WITH YOUR KIDS

Links

Chris Sajnog

Leading Our Family With Confidence with Chris Sajnog

Chris Sajnog, retired Navy Seal Sniper and father, comes on teh GDP and talks about lessons learned in the Seal Teams and how it relates to fathers and family.

There are always choices in every moment in our lives. Even when we think we don’t have a choice, we are always responsible for our response. Chris Sajnog, father, husband, former Navy SEAL, author and trainer shows the GDP what it takes to face those choices as our best self.

Chris Sajnog Background and Life

Chris comes from a struggling upbringing, but took those struggles and turned them into a successful life. Overcoming great adversity, Chris has developed a program that motivates individuals and teams to become their best versions. As a father, Chris inspires kids, including his own, to take responsibility for their own actions, through TEAM: Take responsibility, Encourage others, Ask for help, and Master yourself.

Taking Responsibility

It’s not always easy to do; owning our failures is hard. Not owning them, however, doesn’t teach us how to better ourselves. Instead, avoiding ownership simply delays the high probability we will make the same mistake in the future.

Encourage Others

When we help others to nurture their own talents, we are helping the greater cause. Each of us has skills and gifts that support each other; not one of us is completely equipped to handle it all. Encouraging others while sharpening our own talents strengthens the individual while providing a stronger outcome in any situation.

Ask For Help

It’s hard, but necessary. Swallowing your pride to ask when you need a hand shows that you have faith in others and are confident enough in yourself to know when you need an extra hand. Asking for help also helps to avoid embarrassing pitfalls when it’s clear you would have benefitted from another.

Master Yourself

This is critical. When we have a grip on our strengths, weaknesses and emotions, we can handle pretty much anything. When we don’t really know our true limits or how to control ourselves, our world can spiral out of control.

TEAM is not only critical for ourselves, but for those around us. As always, being the model for our children is the best way to teach them how to be their best selves.

RESOURCES

==>NEW!!<== Grab a copy of The Dad’s Edge AUDIOBOOK on iTunes or Audible

GRAB A COPY OF THE DAD’S EDGE HERE

Check out our Dad Edge Group on Facebook Request Entry Here

We have new Dad Edge T-Shirts!  Grab one HERE

Check out a free chapter from: THE DAD’S EDGE on UNLIMITED PATIENCE HERE

Check out this free resource on: CONNECTION WITH YOUR SPOUSE

Check out this free resource on:  CONNECTION WITH YOUR KIDS

Links

Connect with Chris Sajnog

Chris Sajnog Website

Chris Sajnog Twitter

Chris Sajnog Facebook

Chris Sajnog LinkedIn

Chris Sajnog YouTube

downtime

Why Downtime is Essential

Downtime is essential, but often overlooked.  As dads we are usually trying to accomplish 100 things before the end of the day.  Who has time for downtime?

Relax. Breathe in, breathe out. Let stress melt from your body. Wait, you can’t relax, you have that work deadline you have to meet and it’s your turn to carpool to soccer and you promised your wife you’d take her to dinner. You’re so stressed out you feel like a hamster on a spinning wheel.

It probably seems like you wake up each morning just to make through the day to get home, go to bed then get up the next day and start all over. What you need is downtime. We’re not talking about going to the gym and having a killer workout, we’re talking about real downtime. Downtime that takes your mind off of everything and just lets you “be”.

Real Downtime

Read a book. No, not the books that help you be a better person (yes, they are important, but you are still working). The books that take your mind off of your responsibilities and transport you to a different place (remember your favorite books from childhood that would do just that?). This allows your mind and body to rest from stress and helps you recharge.

Take A Hike

A hike, not a run. Again, this is time for your mind and body to break from your usual stressful cycle, and even though running may be relaxing for some, it still puts stress on your body. Let’s face it, stress is stress and we don’t need more of it.

Meditate

It doesn’t need to be in the Lotus Position with candles lit everywhere (but we’re not frowning on this practice, either. To each his own), but just time out to reflect, pray, take your mind to a different place so it has a chance to replenish itself. Your mind works overtime as it is; giving it a meditative breather from time to time lets you get ready for the next life challenge.

Downtime is necessary to life. Of course, we’re not advocating extended downtime (you know, permanent couch potato syndrome), but enough to let your mind and body get ready for the next part of your life’s journey.

 

RESOURCES

==>NEW!!<== Grab a copy of The Dad’s Edge AUDIOBOOK on iTunes or Audible

GRAB A COPY OF THE DAD’S EDGE HERE

Check out our Dad Edge Group on Facebook Request Entry Here

We have new Dad Edge T-Shirts!  Grab one HERE

Check out a free chapter from: THE DAD’S EDGE on UNLIMITED PATIENCE HERE

Check out this free resource on: CONNECTION WITH YOUR SPOUSE

Check out this free resource on:  CONNECTION WITH YOUR KIDS

Links

financial freedom

Achieving Financial Freedom On A Modest Income with Vincent Pugliese

Financial Freedom is a dream for every dad out there.  Think about it, financial freedom means freedom of choice and time.

You and your wife have great kids, a comfortable home and one car (or two). Oh wait- I forgot the flat screen TV (at least one), the boat (possibly), that must-have yearly family vacation, the brand new, front-loading washer and dryer (come on, it’s the only way laundry gets done properly), and anything else that will make your life more convenient. All on credit. It’s the American Way. Even if the debt to have all of these nifty “things” keeps you up at night, it’s ok because you and your family are happy because they have it all.

Debt and Stress

Probably not. More than likely, the stress from the debt of having it all makes life pretty uncomfortable. But there is another way. Vincent Pugliese, author of “Freelance to Freedom,” has been there. After seeing his own father struggle with the loss of a business and then watch him struggle again through mountainous debt, Vincent decided he would never let that happen to his own family. However, even with that promise to himself, he had to find a way out of debt after college, and the birth of his and his wife’s first son. Like an epiphany, Vincent and his wife decided together that they would make sure they did not live the normal debt-laden American “Dream”.

Have A Reason for Financial Freedom

Vincent and his wife knew they wanted to be able to do what they wanted, when they wanted without being burdened by a mortgage or other impending debt. They wanted to be able to raise their children the way they felt was best without the cloud of debt above them. This was their “why”.  

Getting the Spouse on Board with Financial Freedom

No plan goes well without team effort. Vincent and his wife were both in Board because fulfilling a plan like this would mean short-term sacrifices on both parties-maybe cutting out those extra lattes from Starbucks every morning or finding a way to curb eating out.

The Financial Freedom Game Plan

With those elements in place, it’s time to decide how to go about getting out of debt. Set short-term and long-term goals like “we want to eliminate credit card debt within two years.” With this goal in mind, look at your current income and expenses and see how much more money you can throw at your principal balances. You’d be amazed how quickly those balances will shrink.

Vincent and his family achieved their goals in ten years. They paid off their debt, got rid of their mortgage and were able to do everything the family ever imagined. Sounds simple because it is. You can get yourself out of debt, it takes self-discipline and a “why” to make it happen.

RESOURCES

==>NEW!!<== Grab a copy of The Dad’s Edge AUDIOBOOK on iTunes or Audible

GRAB A COPY OF THE DAD’S EDGE HERE

Check out our Dad Edge Group on Facebook Request Entry Here

We have new Dad Edge T-Shirts!  Grab one HERE

Check out a free chapter from: THE DAD’S EDGE on UNLIMITED PATIENCE HERE

Check out this free resource on: CONNECTION WITH YOUR SPOUSE

Check out this free resource on:  CONNECTION WITH YOUR KIDS

Links

Connect with Vincent Pugliese

Vincent Pugliese Instagram

Vincent and Elizabeth Photography

Freelance To Freedom Book HERE

Thanks for checking out this week’s show on Financial Freedom with Vincent Pugliese.