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sex life

HOW TO IMMEDIATELY SPICE UP YOUR SEX LIFE AS A NEW DAD

This is a guest post by Allon Khakshouri of Business-dad.com

Enjoying a healthy sex life is a key ingredient to a thriving marriage. At the same time it is the one topic very few parents dare talk about, often leading to lots of frustration and anger to already challenged relationships.

 

Sex is so important because it is what makes you and your spouse more than just roommates. It requires you both to speak about the kind of intimate and emotional things that create a deeper sense of connection than you have with anyone else and helps strengthen trust between partners.

 

But lets face it: Becoming a dad triggers so many changes it can feel overwhelming: sleepless nights, endless fights and new responsibilities are just some of the challenges we all face and that can make sex quite unappealing. I remember how relieved I was knowing that my wife would need a few weeks to fully recover before she would request me to demonstrate my love making skills. I was sure that this would allow me to get adjusted to being a dad so that by the time my wife would be ready, I would feel revitalised and hungry for sex.

 

However, something strange happened: The more time that passed without having sex, the less I craved for it. Suddenly I felt concerned and unmanly: Was something wrong with me and our relationship?

I guess I was not the first to have such thoughts

 

According to studies conducted by the Relationship Research Institute in Seattle, two thirds of marriages suffer a serious decline in their relationship satisfaction within the first three years of becoming parents. And the biggest victims of unhappy couples are the babies– two decades of research have shown that marital conflict is bad for babies and can affect their social and academic skills later on in life.

 

As John Gottman says:

 

“When there is a precipitous decline in relationship satisfaction and an increase in hostility, it transfers to the baby and affects the baby.”

 

And definitely the combination of having an unsatisfactory sex life and not speaking openly about it, is a big warning sign that the relationship is in trouble. So if you love your baby and you are committed to improving your relationship, addressing your sex life is a great place to start.

 

But let’s be honest: Feeling uncomfortable about becoming too physical after welcoming your baby is normal and especially common in the first few months after a mom gives birth. Since nobody dares to speak about their lack of sex, both husbands and wives start doubting themselves: Men lose confidence and feel rejected, while their spouses  feel unattractive, unwanted and unsexy. As a result, sex becomes another trigger for more conflicts and disputes, often enhancing arguments that are already evolving from role changes, lifestyle adjustments and even financial tensions.

 

YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY MAN WHO DIDN’T HAVE MUCH SEX LATELY!

 

What most of us don’t realize is that almost every couple struggles with intimacy after having their first baby. There are all sorts of reasons for this:

 

Initially, we need to give our partner time to physically recover. But when we stop hooking up with our partner, testosterone levels drop, which is why many men tend to crave less for sex. Women on the other hand feel touched out by their babies–and let’s face it– they suddenly transform from sexy studs into a supermoms. Add the fact that couples feel tired and exhausted, and it becomes apparent why so many of us experience longer periods of sexual abstinence.

 

Unfortunately, when we stop having sex for longer periods of time, we become lazy. We care less about how we look, ignore seduction attempts by our partner and over time even withdraw from her altogether. This is how so many dads end up feeling isolated and rejected when witnessing their wives spending so much time with their little one.

 

I remember how right after the birth of our son, it was extremely difficult for me to become intimate again. We were both feeling quite irritable and tired so it just didn’t seem right. Luckily I had the courage to speak to other couples about their relationships and realized that we are all in the same boat! Just because we argue more often, feel more exhausted and less sexy, does not mean something is wrong with our marriage. We sometimes forget we have just added a new person into our lives, and that takes some adjustments.

 

And if you haven’t had sex for a while, you are not alone. I met couples who needed weeks, others months and some even years to get back into their normal lovemaking routines. Don’t get me wrong– I am not advocating to accept having a poor sex life. To the contrary, what I am saying is that it is your responsibility to get out of your comfort zone and spice up your marriage, and in a minute I will tell you how. My point is that too many couples give up on their relationship way too quickly, whether they get divorced or simply live together feeling disillusioned and unhappy.

 

WARM UP YOUR RELATIONSHIP IMMEDIATELY

 

Let me tell you what I did when I realized that we needed to prioritize intimacy. Instead of panicking, I decided to work on our relationship and use the birth of our boy as an opportunity to upgrade our relationship, deepen our communication and reviving our sex life.

 

We started by integrating these simple practices into our life so that having regular sex would become much easier:

 

  • 7-8 hours Sleep You may think it is impossible. I did too. However, I made a few adjustments that made all the difference. I now go to sleep by latest 10pm on normal weekdays, and have a nighttime ritual that includes a soothing shower, no TV-and phone time at least an hour before going to sleep, that spending at least 30 minutes of quality time with my wife. These steps have made all the difference because it is hard to jumpstart your libido when you feel tired.

 

  • Speaking Time. As I mentioned above, my wife and I spend some time together before going to sleep. But even just 10 minutes of talking time will give you both have the opportunity to express feelings, needs and desires. Once you both reconnect again emotionally, good sex will follow.

 

  • Becoming More Physical. We have always been quite a physical couple. However, as parents we needed to redefine sex to include more than just penetration. My wife and I now use every opportunity to hug, kiss and cuddle together, and it triggers instant pleasure every time.

 

  • Flirting: This is something we forgot in the first 1-2 weeks after the birth of our son. But it’s amazing how just a few words can make such a difference. I try and surprise my wife every few days with a very thoughtful text message, a hidden note that she may find at a random moment, or by sending her flowers with a handwritten card, and every single time these little surprises make her glow from joy.

 

  • Asking Questions. I wanted to find out how it felt for my wife to be a mom, what her biggest struggles were, what she was dreaming about for the future, and what her deepest desires looked like. She reciprocated by asking me about how this change of becoming a dad felt like. These moments of sharing were extremely bonding,

 

  • Listening. Sometimes women just want to be heard, so I really made an effort to become more patient and try and relive the words that my wife was sharing. By learning to empathize with your partner and all she goes through, you will instantly become her superhero again.

 

RITUALIZE INTIMATE TIME TOGETHER AS SOON AS POSSIBLE

 

Of course, some things will work better for you than others. And it is up to you to fine tune the details. But they will definitely help you rekindle our relationship. I see these actions as a kind of foreplay that needs to be in place before addressing our sex lives.

 

However, if you are serious about spicing up your love life, you need to have regular sex. So how can you do that, now that you are busier than ever with a whole family to take care of?

 

Well, here is the thing. Like with other areas in your life, it all comes down to creating habits that help you live the lifestyle you want. This doesn’t need to be too difficult, but it takes consistency. Like going to the gym, starting a new hobby, or waking up earlier, every beginning or new start is a bit more difficult. However, once we overcome the initial resistance, we start finding joy in our new behavior.

 

In the same way, it is essential to create routines of spending intimate moments together. The trick that really made all the difference to us was scheduling our time together in the same way we schedule anything else. Initially that meant planning the day, time and place that we would spend some quality time together in advance.

 

Yes, I know this sounds premeditated and unromantic.  However, it works wonders, because only by ritualizing time for ourselves, do we build up the kind of stamina that allows us to overcome all the obstacles that can make intimacy so difficult for new parents. Even an hour per week can make all the difference. I remember how my wife and I used to find excuses all the time why not to have sex, until we made sex become an integral part of our lifestyle again that we both crave for.

 

By scheduling your time together, you can address any obstacles that could distract you both from enjoying your time together. For example, you may want to leave your baby with your parents and create the kind of romantic setting that will allow your wife and yourself to switch off from everything else that is going on in your life.

 

HOW TO HAVE AMAZING SEX LIFE

 

So now that you know about the importance to intimate time together, let me share with you 6 tips that will help you regain a vibrant sex life without any further delay:

 

  • Avoid feeling pressurized: During your time together, be romantic and have fun, without experiencing the need to have full-blown sex. Teasing and taunting each other with kisses, massages and anything else that pleases both of you qualifies as intimate time.

 

  • Have date nights together: If you can, add weekly date nights for the two of you to enjoy quality moments together. This is your time alone together, to experience a romantic ambience and to become real lovers again. The quicker you start with this, the easier it will be to revive your sex life.

 

  • Create a romantic atmosphere: Small details like candle lights and clean sheets can make your time together more bonding and fun. Stimulate the senses by using aroma sticks for a pleasant smell, and playing sensual music.

 

  • Be flexible: Scheduling intimate time in advance may sound premeditated. But there is room for some creativity as to when, where and how you both engage with each other. For example, I often feel exhausted in the evenings, my wife and I enjoy planning our time together on weekends that our son is with my parents, so we have time for ourselves in the afternoon. Also be open minded and experiment what gives you both joy and pleasure.

 

  • Be a giver: Focus on making your wife feel desired and attractive, and giving her the kind of joy that will make her want to reciprocate. By treating her like your queen, you will soon become a true king.

 

  • Clear your head: It can be hard to switch off from distractions like thinking about your business, your kids, or anything else that is circulating your mind. However, try to make this your “us time”, and commit to being fully present, playful and open with your partner.  The more you can do this, the better and more fun your sex life will become.

 

You will discover that spending time together in this kind of intimate setting will help you both communicate more openly, share both vulnerabilities and desires and create a deeper more trusting connection between each other. You will find out that this kind of intimacy is the bread and butter for better sex.

 

The best part is that once you have rekindled your sex life, other areas of your relationship will improve as well. You will feel more confident, happy and energized. All of a sudden, being a dad will become the most enjoyable time of your life!

RESOURCES

==>NEW!!<== Grab a copy of The Dad’s Edge AUDIOBOOK on iTunes or Audible

GRAB A COPY OF THE DAD’S EDGE HERE

Join our Dad Edge Group on Facebook Request Entry Here

We have new Dad Edge T-Shirts!  Grab one HERE

Get a free chapter from: THE DAD’S EDGE on UNLIMITED PATIENCE HERE

Check out this free resource on: CONNECTION WITH YOUR SPOUSE

Check out this free resource on:  CONNECTION WITH YOUR KIDS

Links

If you are interested to learn more about how you can become a true Business Dad who combines professional success with becoming a super engaged and loving dad, visit www.business-dad.com

 

failing forward

How to Teach Your Kids Success By Failing Forward

Failing Forward is a powerful life lesson.

As adults, we know we don’t have all of the answers. We fail, we make mistakes,  and we struggle. But if we have the mindset that we can learn from these mistakes and failures, then we persevere and get better. Too many times, though, we get stuck in the pervasive idea that failure is bad, unacceptable; heck, there’s even tag lines quoting “Failure is not an option”. The problem with this thinking is, if failure is not an option, then how do we ever progress forward?

 

Changing our mindset to one of growth, helps us be great examples for our kids on how to tackle their failures. These 6 tips will help uou and your kids achieve your best self.

Failing Forward and Letting Kids Fail

Too many times as parents, we get so impatient with our kids’ ability to finish something in a certain amount of time. We must remember that they are kids and need to,learn. Doing things for our kids teaches them nothing; wait, it does. It teaches them dependency. If our kids can’t learn to be independent and have their own way, of thinking, then we will cripple them in their future.

Change Your View of Failure

Let’s face it, failing is not fun. It is so much more fun to win. Maybe we have been condition to avoid failure at all costs because it is seen as “bad”. What we may not realize is our fear of failure caps our children’s view of what is possible. Instead, we need to help kids learn from their failures.

Model Failing Forward

It’s time to swallow that pride. As difficult as it may be, let your kids see when you fail or share times that you have failed with them. This helps them see that even adults makes mistakes, but the important thing is learning from them. You can even give them examples of others failing forward. When kids see that failure does not occur in a vacuum, they have more freedom to make the mistakes they need to make to grow.

Not Everyone Gets a Trophy

Teach your kids that not everyone wins a trophy. This is a tough one. This Lesson helps kids appreciate the times they do win. Not only that, it helps kids set and work toward a goal. To help your child achieve, ask them questions about how they think they can improve.

Failing Forward Teaches Perseverance

Teach perseverance. Try. Try again. Then, try again. This is grit. When kids learn how to keep going even when it feels like it is impossible, they learn to reach their full potential.

Have a Sense of Humor

The power of having a sense of humor when we make mistakes. Having resiliency through humor when we fail immediately changes our perception of the situation and also shows others that we do not fear failure. Failure is a fact of life. Dealing with it with less drama and more laughter brings more positivity to a situation.

In order for kids to learn to embrace failure, we need to embrace it ourselves. It won’t be an easy road, but definitely worth the ride.  

RESOURCES

==>NEW!!<== Grab a copy of The Dad’s Edge AUDIOBOOK on iTunes or Audible

GRAB A COPY OF THE DAD’S EDGE HERE

Check out our Dad Edge Group on Facebook Request Entry Here

We have new Dad Edge T-Shirts!  Grab one HERE

Check out a free chapter from: THE DAD’S EDGE on UNLIMITED PATIENCE HERE

Check out this free resource on: CONNECTION WITH YOUR SPOUSE

Check out this free resource on:  CONNECTION WITH YOUR KIDS

Links

Thanks for checking out this week’s show on Failing Forward.

10 Life Lessons To Raise Superhumans

Raise Superhumans!  Life is challenging, life is crazy, so teach super powers along the way.

Habits are formed early in life. We tend to respond to life in the way we were raised. If we want our kids to react positively even in the face of adversity, we must model these behaviors. Preparing your kids for life with these ten tips just might help you demonstrate these key skills.

Raise Superhumans #1:  Care for Your Surroundings

Clothes on the floor, unmade beds, toothpaste in the sink. Small stuff, but these little unkempt habits can wreak havoc in a relationship. Not only that, you want your kids to have a sense of pride in their belongings and surroundings and to emulate that, to others. Teaching them this skill early on will give them a clean,routine while demonstrating a sense of self respect.

Raise Superhumans #2: Peer Pressure

Peer pressure knows no age. We can fall into it as adults. Don’t let your kids see you compromise your principles just to have it turn around and lecture them on standing up for themselves. Practicing what you preach here will save your child, and yourself, a great amount of heartache.

Raise Superhumans #3:  How to Make Money

Money does not have to be a scarcity. As a matter of fact, if you put your head to it, you can make money rather easily. Teaching kids that, making money, is a matter of drive and determination as well as resourcefulness, gives them a sense of security and self-empowerment.

Raise Superhumans #4:  Mananging Money

Once your kids have money, their relationship with money can be another obstacle. Our relationship with money correlates to how much we save and spend. Teaching your kids to be temperate with money and learning to set it aside for what they want is rewarding as well as smart, as it staves off anxiety over having enough for life’s emergencies and wants.

Raise Superhumans #5:  Create a Plan

Ask your kids what they want to be when they grow up and they will likely look at you with gleaming eyes full of excitement. But, without a strategic plan, that excitement will fade as the dream fails to come to fruition. Teaching your child to develop a plan for what they want supports their dreams and gives them hope for the future. Even if their plans fail, they will no doubt have learned from the journey.

Raise Superhumans #6:  Teach Them How to Persevere

Don’t quit. A common mantra, but at times, it does not come into practice when times get tough. Showing your kids how to get through times even when they seem impossible gives them a strength that will prepare them for other challenges they will face.

Raise Superhumans #7:  How to Cook

Enough said. Your kids need to know how to prepare healthy food for themselves and eventually their own families. This will set them up for a healthy future.

Raise Superhumans #8:  Focus on Solutions, Not Problems

Teaching kids to get out of their own heads provides them a basis for a positive mindset. Teach them how to ask questions that lead to an unbeatable mind. Show them how to create a power statement for the times they start to spiral into negativity.

Raise Superhumans #9:  How to Communicate

This skill is a non-negotiable. Kids need to understand that their words affect their environment and that of others. Helping kids harness their own unique communication skills and teaching them the power of their words will open doors for them for a lifetime

Raise Superhumans #10:  Teach Kids to Take Care of Themselves

Our physical and mental well-being is interlocked. Taking care of our body creates a more positive mindset and puts us in a better position to take care of everything else. Include your kids in your workouts and demonstrate how important health is to their overall well being.

These are not the only aspects of life to teach your kids, but these provide a strong basis for a happy life. The idea is to work towards mastery along the beautiful journey of a life.

RESOURCES

==>NEW!!<== Grab a copy of The Dad’s Edge AUDIOBOOK on iTunes or Audible

GRAB A COPY OF THE DAD’S EDGE HERE

Check out our Dad Edge Group on Facebook Request Entry Here

JOIN US FOR FOR THE SEALFIT 2oX on June 24th at Vail Lake, CA HERE.  Use “GOODDAD10” for the coupon code and save 10%

Checkout Unbeatable Mind Online HERE

We have new Dad Edge T-Shirts!  Grab one HERE

Check out a free chapter from: THE DAD’S EDGE on UNLIMITED PATIENCE HERE

Check out this free resource on: CONNECTION WITH YOUR SPOUSE

Check out this free resource on:  CONNECTION WITH YOUR KIDS

Links

 Thanks for checking out this week’s show on 10 Life Lessons to Raise Superhumans.

balance

Balance for Working Dads is Attainable


Balance is and having the right mentality is critical to our success as fathers.

This past week we interviewed Jeff Pelizzaro, founder of 18Strong.com.  I wanted to highlight some of the pearls that came from his interview because there was a lot!  Ultimately, its about pursuing our passions while having the right mindset, focus, and boundaries.

Do What You Love!

Jeff took a leap of faith leaving his job of being a physical therapist to pursue something he was extremely passionate about.  Jeff had it all from a “societal success standpoint.”  He had: a good job, he had benefits, he had a 401K, he had “security.” .

However, Jeff was sacrificing something that was most important to him…his purpose.  Jeff felt an intuitional pull to do something he loved and to help people along the way.  He has a passion for: fitness, the game of golf, and helping people.  He has now developed an online business, has a successful podcast, and is now a published author!  Not to mention he is doing all these things while creating ultimate balance in his life.  None of this would have happened if he didn’t listen to his intuition and take a leap of faith.  At some point, every successful person took a leap of faith and decided to pursue their true passion.  Guess what…so can you

Balance Means There is More to Life than just the Dollars

Jeff gave several examples of how he creates a healthy balance of boundaries between work and family time.  For example, even though Jeff would make a ton of money working with clients on the weekend, he refuses to do it.  He even mentioned that Saturdays and Sundays are lucrative days in his field.  However, he knows the importance of enjoying his time with family because he knows these years are only here for a short time.

You Can Do What You Love and Still Be an Amazing Dad

It is terrifying making the decision to leave a secure job and pursue a dream.  The pressure is on us as fathers to provide and take financial care of our families.  When we can’t to that, it can be one of the most de-masculating things in our lives.  However, when you take a leap of faith and pursue your dream job, you might be shocked what the universe will deliver.  I’m not saying take a leap without a plan.  Be smart about it.  Write out a plan.  Put some savings aside for the rough times.  Figure out the monthly income your family needs to survive.  Then…when you are ready…LEAP.  Go do your dream.  Chase it with fury.  Most importantly, being a happier more fulfilled you will allow you to be a better dad!  BOOM!!  There you have it!  Go get it!

Resources:

GRAB A COPY OF THE DAD’S EDGE HERE

Check out our Dad Edge Group on Facebook Request Entry Here

We have new Dad Edge T-Shirts!  Grab one HERE

Check out a free chapter from: THE DAD’S EDGE on UNLIMITED PATIENCE HERE

Check out this free resource on: CONNECTION WITH YOUR SPOUSE

Check out this free resource on:  CONNECTION WITH YOUR KIDS

Links

 Jeff Pelizzaro Links:

Jeff Pelizzaro 18 Strong

Jeff Pelizzaro Facebook

Jeff Pelizzaro Twitter

Jeff Pelizzaro Google Plus

Jeff Pelizzaro The 18 Strong Podcast

Jeff Pelizzaro #1 Amazon Bestselling Book:  The Golfer’s Guide to a Bogey Proof Workout

jeff pelizzaro

Jeff Pelizzaro on Building Your Life Around What Matters Most

Jeff Pelizzaro, owner of 18Strong.com, entrepreneur, and all-around awesome dad, gives his perspective on living your passion, taking risks, and balancing fatherhood.

Jeff Pelizzaro On Making Your Dreams a Reality

Let’s dream for a minute. Wouldn’t it be great if that “crazy” idea for a new business really became a reality? You could do what you really want to do and provide even more for your family. Maybe, just maybe, that idea would grow exponentially and help you realize even bigger dreams. Oh, but you just don’t have the time and that dream really sounds great, but it’s so out there. Is it? Over our last 61 (yes, 61) podcasts, we’ve heard from very successful men about becoming your best self and achieving your greatest potential as an individual and a father. Jeff Pelizzaro is no different: he’s taken his “day job” and turned it into a focused, value-added revenue stream by targeting a very specific niche audience-golfers.

Jeff Pelizzaro on Taking the Leap and Pursuing His Passion

Jeff Pelizzaro’s podcast and business, 18 Strong, helps golfers at all levels achieve their greatest game on and off the course. Through nutrition and physical training, Jeff shows golfers how to tweak their nutrition and fitness to fit their particular needs. Sounds like a dream job, right? It wasn’t always birdies and double eagles, though. Jeff Pelizzaro started as a physical therapist, working long hours and eventually becoming burned-out; he had the opportunity to change his entire focus to, well, golf. In doing so, however, it meant a big change and a risk for his family. After all, changing from serving a variety of clients to an incredibly niche-based business is risky. In the end, he made the leap and now helps golfers from amateurs to pros perfect their game.

Sacrificing Money to Enjoy What Money Can’t Buy

It wasn’t overnight, though. As always, these great ideas take sacrifice and identifying a balance between home life and work life. Jeff has days, he says, when he’s playing with his kids and a thought about a client crosses his mind. He says it’s definitely not easy, but he’s able to refocus and make sure he is present with his family when he spends time with them. With the help of his wife, Jeff is able to balance the time he needs for his unique business with the time he wants to spend with his family.

YOUR DREAM – GO DO IT!!!!

Back to your dream. Maybe you have a great idea for the current business you’re in or maybe it’s something new all together. Whatever it is, though, if you want to do it and it adds value for others, give it a shot. Sure, taking a risk can have its scary moments, but not taking that risk can mean regret.

Resources:

GRAB A COPY OF THE DAD’S EDGE HERE

Check out our Dad Edge Group on Facebook Request Entry Here

We have new Dad Edge T-Shirts!  Grab one HERE

Check out a free chapter from: THE DAD’S EDGE on UNLIMITED PATIENCE HERE

Check out this free resource on: CONNECTION WITH YOUR SPOUSE

Check out this free resource on:  CONNECTION WITH YOUR KIDS

Links

 Jeff Pelizzaro Links:

Jeff Pelizzaro 18 Strong

Jeff Pelizzaro Facebook

Jeff Pelizzaro Twitter

Jeff Pelizzaro Google Plus

Jeff Pelizzaro The 18 Strong Podcast

Jeff Pelizzaro #1 Amazon Bestselling Book:  The Golfer’s Guide to a Bogey Proof Workout